947. - Ryan O'Connell

Speaker A: All right, uh, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it 3 times a week. Jason, does that sound familiar to you? Speaker B: We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place.

Speaker A: All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube. Speaker C: Hello and gone. Speaker A: A beautiful morning once again in Los Angeles. As New York floods, I'm seeing people jumping over you know, moving rivers to get home. Um, and I'm— I've never been happier. Jason, how are you? Speaker B: I, I thought there was like a 93-degree heat wave, and now there's a, there's a flood that's sweeping all the hood rats into the, into the sewer systems. Is that what's going on?

They're all, they're all living on the little island in the Hudson. Speaker A: Yeah, that's— yeah, that's what it seems like. What, what is Epstein's Island called? I just need to get this clear because this came up last night and I don't know the name of it. I thought it was Little Island. I thought that was— I thought that was what it was called, but I know Little Island is also the— that ugly thing they built in New York with Barry Diller's money. So I, I need to know what it has.

Speaker B: Little in it, but it is Little St. James. Speaker A: Little St. James. Okay, okay. I just wanted to— and you didn't know that, obviously you had to look that up. I just want to be clear to the listeners. Speaker B: Uh, no, no further questions, Your Honor. Speaker A: Unlike, unlike Chelsea Handler, you have not broken bread with, with Epstein, and you have not visited the island. So I just want to be clear, I'm not putting that on your jacket. I was just— I am not an island boy.

Speaker B: Boy, I do not know that man, I swear. Speaker A: I don't know that man. I don't know that fucking man. What you talking about? I don't know that man. Speaker B: Okay, so you thought it was called Lil Island, which is a new kind of Bluey spin-off on Nickelodeon or something like that, I'm assuming. Speaker A: Yeah, it does. It just— the Lil Island feels too cute, you know what I mean? Like, it feels too cute to be something sinister. But that could have been Jeff's kink, so yeah, I was, I was putting that— Speaker B: because children are not into cute stuff at all.

So yeah, I get that. Yeah, you and I, let's see here, we're— we got a little late start. I'm sorry about that. I'm just— I'm moving a little slow this morning. I made the mistake of drinking wine at the chateau instead of just sticking with my good old Tito's vodka. So I kind of have a— my head's not screwed on straight this morning. Speaker A: I understand. Well, I, I need to tell the story that I told you about what happened to me last night, even though it's, um, embarrassing to me, but I think it's— it could be freeing to let it go.

You know what I mean? To let this bird fly. I was, first of all, I was seated next to Michael Stipe, who obviously is, you know, one of my GOATs. Speaker B: He's basically like Hasan Piker to you. Yeah. Speaker A: Yeah. It was a Paul Smith Gabriella Hearst collaboration celebration dinner. So I'm sitting next to, I'm sitting next to Stipe who I, at this point I do know, you know what I mean? So it wasn't crazy, but like, you know, we're having a great convo. Speaker B: He's basically like Hasan Piker to you.

Yeah. Speaker A: Yeah. It was a Paul Smith Gabriella Hearst collaboration celebration dinner. So I'm sitting next to, I'm sitting next to Stipe who I, at this point I do know, you know what I mean? So it wasn't crazy, but like, you know, we're having a great convo. Speaker B: Um, did he remember you? Speaker A: Oh yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, he's— he— I think he, um, I think he's ramping up because he's, he's here writing and there's an album coming out and there's, you know, he did The Rooster, so he's— I think he's ramping up.

Speaker B: She's ramping. Speaker A: Should be on this show at some point. But so anyway, we're having, we're having a nice convo and, you know, I'm like, excuse myself to go to the bathroom, I've been drinking a lot of water. I go into the bathroom and there's a candle sitting on the, you know, the glass ledge above the toilet. Speaker B: Mm-hmm. And we all know the candle. Speaker A: I go into the bathroom, I don't smell a candle. I'm, you know, my, my, I am the nose that knows.

I did not smell anything. After I washed my hands, I went to grab the candle to give it a smell, and the candle was lit and I dumped wax all over my chest and face. So Sorry, that sounds kinky, but this was not the setting I wanted to be in. Speaker B: Oh, some Challenger shit. Okay. Speaker A: So I'm a little bit— so I'm looking in the mirror like, oh, this is kind of bad. Not only because the smell is so strong, it's like choking me because I just dumped it on my face and my body.

But I'm like, well, what am I going to do? So I wipe my face. Thank God it's a bathroom at a hotel. So there's towels in the bathroom, not just, you know, like a blow dryer, you know, a Dyson or something. So I take a towel, I wet it, I get it out of my— I get it off my face. But then I'm looking down at my sweater and I'm like, I don't think that I can recover from this. Like, this seems, this seems bad. So I have to take the sweater off, throw it on my shoulders.

Speaker C: Mm-hmm. Speaker A: And I, I do think I got away with it. I think it was the perfect crime unless I, until I admitted it to you and now to, to the listeners. Speaker B: You had to tell us. I mean, it's such a, it's such an event to go through that you can't just keep that inside the mental, right? Speaker A: Yeah. When you're, when you're, when you're smelling Paul Smith candle and burning wax, you know, while you're listening to Ed Norton talk about, you know, emissions issues, there's things that, there are things that Pete, you can't plan for in life.

And this is one of them. But unfortunately I did get home and I had to throw the sweater away, you know, because I can't smell that ever again. It's, it, it, it really fucked me up. Speaker B: Do you know what the candle flavor was? Speaker A: No, but I didn't even, I liked it. It wasn't even bad. It was just like, it was so extreme. So I threw the sweater away and that of course had to shower. Uh, as well. Speaker B: Okay. What do you know what color the candle was?

Speaker A: Oh, green maybe. Speaker B: Okay. I think because they got purple, they got rose, they got green, and they got blue, and they have green and blue. Oh, maybe that very How Long Gone style. Speaker A: I don't— that actually, I'm not sure. It could have had a, a bottom that I— that was unrecognized. Um, we, we don't like to let— we have a guest today, his name is we don't like to let bottoms go unnoticed or unrecognized, but in this case, yeah, I was sort of dealing with a problem.

So I, I, I'm very happy cuz this, you know, I, when we were in Italy, when we were at the Como edition, one of the Italian servers at a restaurant spilled a, a, a large amount of wine on Justin from DLX and they went to the back and got him a shirt. Like they had a fresh polo shirt and they just gave it to him and it was kind of like nothing ever happened. And I was like, you know, in this situation, I feel like if I asked somebody, something would have appeared.

But I decided that, you know, maybe a robe wasn't the best way to finish. Speaker B: You got lucky because the sweater over the shoulder look with your look. I mean, I don't want to, you know, I'm not trying to stir any drama up, but you may have made the look even better. I think it was especially nice to go sort of from the office to cocktails. You have your buttoned up thing going on. You have a little pop of color with the pink dress shirt underneath, but then, you know, the sun goes down.

Speaker A: We'll get a little loose after, after 3 San Pellegrinos, buttons start, you know, buttons start coming off. Speaker B: They drop a pool of the puddle of tiramisu slop lands on the table. Speaker A: That tiramisu was banging actually. And I'm not really a tiramisu guy. I don't, I don't, I don't know what it is about tiramisu that gets people so excited, but I did like that one. I have to say. Speaker B: People love the flavors of coffee, chocolate, and cream. I had a, I had a very deflated one.

For some reason everyone else's around me was just a normal slice of tiramisu and then mine. Speaker A: Oh no, my, no, my shit was not normal. It was like a little lumpy. It was definitely deconstructed. Speaker B: Really? Yeah. Speaker A: Yeah. My shit wasn't like a pure, a nice 4x4. Speaker B: Everyone else around me had, it wasn't a, it wasn't a perfect square, but you know, it was a wet mass. Speaker A: Okay. Speaker B: That, that looked like it was a tiramisu. And then mine was more like a soup.

It was more like an overnight oats. The, uh, the whipped cream structure had failed and things had become liquefied and everyone else around me not liquefied. And if yours is also giving puddle— Speaker A: no, it wasn't giving puddle. No, no, I'm sorry, it wasn't giving puddle. It was just not— I thought you were talking about the, the form factor, like the, the, the size and shape. And I'm sorry, I was— Speaker A: no, it wasn't giving puddle. No, no, I'm sorry, it wasn't giving puddle. It was just not— I thought you were talking about the, the form factor, like the, the, the size and shape.

And I'm sorry, I was— Speaker B: no, so yours was giving lump. It was giving Cardi B at the Met Gala. Speaker A: It was giving Cardi B. It was giving Comme des Garçons. But I, I mean, you know me, I'm more worried about taste. I'm kind of a nuts and bolts guy, Jason. I, I can only— you can only give so far with presentation when it comes to— Speaker B: I was just wondering if I was being singled out or if you and I were being singled out. Speaker A: You know, I think we would be.

I think somebody would have given us a noogie and like tripped us going down the stairs there, but I don't think we were singled out in that way. Speaker B: We do the noogieing. Speaker A: That's true. Speaker B: We did at the Château Marmont, fucker. We do. Speaker A: Um, all right, we have a guest today, longtime friend of the program, one of the greats. Uh, Ryan O'Connell is here. He's got yet another book, um, where he talks about getting railed in, you know, various apartments in Van Nuys. Um, so here we go.

We're not going to talk about any of that today though. Uh, you know Ryan from all of his, his great work, his television show, his acting, his writing. He's got some Broadway shit. That's how gay he is. So Ryan, let's, uh, let's, let's get into it with our, with our kink. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian, Stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's, uh, it's trying to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world.

And I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions. Speaker B: A lot of questions. But how often— because we do this podcast 3 times a week and that's a sweet spot— how many times do they do 3 times a week? Speaker B: A lot of questions. But how often— because we do this podcast 3 times a week and that's a sweet spot— how many times do they do 3 times a week? Speaker A: And I, I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do.

That's just a guess. Speaker B: The Guardian is not some billionaire-owned platform. They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Speaker A: Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in, in what, uh, journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch on YouTube. It's 3 times a week. And who couldn't use more news, you know, especially when it's not, you know, from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. Every time I go to the doctor, I walk out of that bitch feeling dumb.

I got no real info. This guy in a white coat just say, you're fine, you know, drink more water. Speaker B: He knows how to charge my copay. Speaker A: Exactly. Speaker B: That's about it. Speaker A: As if I could drink more water, doctor. I, I don't get data. I don't get a game plan. I just get a pat on the ass and get out there and make it better. But Superpower is doing something different. Superpower sends a licensed professional to your home, or you can visit a nearby lab if you're a little freak.

It's a simple blood draw, one simple blood draw with over 100 biomarkers, which is way more than what you usually get, and it unlocks a real understanding of your body. Uh, their app includes detailed information on your heart, liver, thyroid, hormones, metabolism, vitamin, mineral levels, and even environmental toxins. Speaker C: Ooh. Speaker A: So from disease prevention to treating that annoying brain fog or simple optimizing for your gym game, let's go. Superpower is more comprehensive and advanced system out there. Speaker C: Ooh. Speaker A: So from disease prevention to treating that annoying brain fog or simple optimizing for your gym game, let's go.

Superpower is more comprehensive and advanced system out there. Speaker B: Make this year the year we all stop guessing about our health with Superpower. For a limited time, How Long on listeners get $20 off to unlock their new health intelligence. Head over to com and use the code HOWLONG for $20 off your membership. That is code How Long, and after you sign up, they'll ask how you heard about Superpower. Do us a favor if you could and tell them How Long Gone sent you, and that'll just support us. Thanks. Speaker C: Oh, what up, faggots?

It's so nice to be back. Speaker A: Oh, he's back. Look, Ryan, how are you? It's great to see you. Um, this is the gayest chair that's ever been on How Long Gone, so that's congratulations for that. Speaker C: I know, right? And next to Parker Posey in Party Girl, can you believe? Speaker B: You have 3 Posies? Are those NFTs? What's going on, honey? Speaker C: That's a friend of mine. Just, I said I want Parker Posey and Party Girl, and he delivered. It was a commission. Speaker A: Parker Posey Party Girl triptych is what we're dealing with in the fuzzy chair.

And Ryan does have on— the one thing Ryan and I do have in common is our love for Slowdive. Ryan's wearing the Slowdive eBay bootleg right now, which I like. Speaker B: Oh, this shirt, I just threw it on. Do you guys like this band or no? Speaker C: Yeah, I'm, I'm pandering as fuck. And I— listen, but, but before we get into it, I want to acknowledge the elephant in the room, which is that My publicist is on the phone call, but I want you to know that I am still raw, real, relatable.

I am still the person who took a yellow cab 12 years ago to Jason's bungalow in Atwater Village and went on his podcast. I just want you to know, because I know we have history here, and I just— I haven't changed a bit. Okay, Scotty, make sure they leave that in. Okay, I haven't changed a bit. Speaker C: Yeah, I'm, I'm pandering as fuck. And I— listen, but, but before we get into it, I want to acknowledge the elephant in the room, which is that My publicist is on the phone call, but I want you to know that I am still raw, real, relatable.

I am still the person who took a yellow cab 12 years ago to Jason's bungalow in Atwater Village and went on his podcast. I just want you to know, because I know we have history here, and I just— I haven't changed a bit. Okay, Scotty, make sure they leave that in. Okay, I haven't changed a bit. Speaker A: You haven't. You honestly haven't changed a bit. I mean, except for the homeownership and the, you know, some of the clothing and the multiple trainers in different neighborhoods and all that stuff. You haven't changed at all.

Really, from what I can tell. Speaker C: No, absolutely. Speaker A: You look— you look better. I think we all look better though, actually, you know, if I'm getting— if we're going to get down to it. Speaker C: No, like, to get real, like, we have gotten so much hotter. It's actually crazy. Speaker B: It's a triple glow up, and it's nice because when it's 2 out of 3 who have glowed, you know, it can make things awkward in the glow chat. Speaker C: But I think it's more impressive that you guys look hotter because, Seb, with love, straight guys age like dog shit.

Like, it's not chic. And like, the fact that you guys look so like chic and hot is truly like— Speaker A: thank you, Ryan. I think it's because Jason and I aren't, aren't bound by the stresses of sports. You know what I mean? I think— Speaker C: What do you call this? What do you call this? What do you call this? Speaker B: This is the act of discourse, honey. But we're not defeating the allegations of homosexuality having not aged like a leather glove. Speaker A: I just mean that, you know, when you're not— when you're, you know, betting your wife's car on a Celtics outcome, I think you start to get some fine lines around the eye area.

You know what I'm saying? Speaker B: This is the act of discourse, honey. But we're not defeating the allegations of homosexuality having not aged like a leather glove. Speaker A: I just mean that, you know, when you're not— when you're, you know, betting your wife's car on a Celtics outcome, I think you start to get some fine lines around the eye area. You know what I'm saying? Speaker C: You guys feel superior when you're around other heterosexual males your age and you're like, oh, Always. Speaker A: I don't, I don't, I think I'm around pretty— I don't hang out with guys that aren't that different than me.

Do you know, do you know what I mean? Like, I'm around, or I'm doing the worst thing where I hang out with like hot 30-year-olds. That's kind of my zone. It's like a hot 30-year-old guy who's like, you know, just figuring it out, man. Career's taking off, like dating a few girls. I'm gonna get a pint at Bar Oliver later if you want to join me. That, that type. Speaker C: Also, Chris, you do know really hot straight guys. When I went to your, um, Hanover, I was like kind of thrown by how hot the straight guys were.

They were all hot. Speaker A: Yeah, that's the whole— that's the whole point when you're— I mean, when you're trying to sell clothes, that's really the whole point. But in general, that's my whole point. Speaker B: Went to this fashion party. There's a bunch of attractive people there and their bodies look good in the clothes. It was really strange. Speaker C: I'm telling you, they usually look like slop kebabs. I mean, especially in LA. In LA, they're total slop. It's like slop kebab nation. Speaker A: Well, that's because you're dealing with Hollywood guys who sit in a room all day and eat candy and get Goop Kitchen, the pizza, not the salad.

Slop kebab nation. Speaker C: Don't, don't, by the way, don't even get me started. I gain so much weight in a writer's room. It's— Speaker A: are you— Speaker C: wait, are you— Speaker A: you're in a room right now? Speaker A: Well, that's because you're dealing with Hollywood guys who sit in a room all day and eat candy and get Goop Kitchen, the pizza, not the salad. Slop kebab nation. Speaker C: Don't, don't, by the way, don't even get me started. I gain so much weight in a writer's room.

It's— Speaker A: are you— Speaker C: wait, are you— Speaker A: you're in a room right now? Speaker C: Are you not? Speaker B: Drop the BMI, honey. Speaker C: First of all, first of all, the quotes, how dare you? Um, no, I'm in a room right now and here's the deal. It is run by a gay guy. So I feel like the snacks are not as out of control as they could have been. Speaker A: Oh, that makes it, that makes it— did Tracy Anderson come in for lunch instead of, instead of Sweetgreen?

Speaker C: How good is it? It's pretty good. But for point of reference, the last room I was in, 3 out of 5 writers had gout. Speaker B: Can you say what show that was? Speaker C: It was, uh, Crazy Rich Asians is being turned into a TV show. So it was a mini room for that show. Speaker B: Gout does run rampant in the Asian communities, I've learned. Speaker C: Is that true? Speaker B: Well, not necessarily because of their dietary practices or lifestyle. Speaker A: Broth and raw fish.

Speaker B: It's mostly hereditary. Speaker C: I'm already waiting in this Discord. Scotty, Scotty, cut, cut. What? Speaker A: I didn't— Speaker C: All right, 3. Speaker A: Okay, now just a question. And look, I love diversity, you know what I mean? I love diversity. But why are they hiring a white guy even though you have issues to work on Crazy Rich Asians, the TV show? Speaker B: We got the rich and the Asian part down. What about the crazy? Let's call it a combo over here. Speaker A: It's Crazy Rich Caucasian.

Speaker C: Crazy Rich Caucasian. And don't You fucking forget it. Okay. Speaker B: We got the rich and the Asian part down. What about the crazy? Let's call it a combo over here. Speaker A: It's Crazy Rich Caucasian. Speaker C: Crazy Rich Caucasian. And don't You fucking forget it. Okay. Speaker A: Oh, I apologize. Speaker C: I think that when you— I think that when you're crazy and rich, I think you can fill in the rest. Do you know what I mean? And I think that's— I think that's enough of a prerequisite.

Speaker B: But you transcend race once you become rich and crazy. Speaker A: I— that's— I honestly— Speaker B: I— or you, you enter your own specific race that knows no color. Speaker C: Totally. I mean, it's like kind of like— it's not a correct comp, but it's like Ellen DeGeneres hanging out with George W. Bush. You know what I mean? And you're like, honey, like, what's going on? Speaker B: I don't know why, but it just works. Speaker A: When rich people and celebrities, you know, start pairing off for reasons unknown— not to get into my killer's bag, but it's a little bit like, well, I guess we only understand each other type thing.

Speaker C: Or, oh, there's literally 5 people that can date. Who the fuck is Reese Witherspoon gonna date? Like, literally, I think, I think Reese has actually tried civilians. Speaker A: I mean, I think, I mean, you know, an agent is a civilian in, in their own way, I would have to say, but no matter how powerful. Speaker C: But now I think Reese is dating, like, I think a billionaire tech daddy, if I'm— or like a hedge funder. Speaker A: Yeah. For sure. That's where you end up. I mean, Tory Burch married a guy.

That's what you do. You kind of end up— you gotta just go for the money. Speaker C: I mean, who else are you gonna date, John Mayer? Speaker B: What if you just find a great nice guy who doesn't, you know, have $4 billion but is going to take good care of you? He's going to be chivalrous, make you happy, make you laugh. Speaker C: Why would they want that? Speaker A: Exactly. And Jason, unfortunately, that men— there's very few men that want to be cucked that hard by a rich famous woman.

Publicly. Like, when you're the umbrella holder for Reese Witherspoon, you're like, I make my own money. I'm actually— no, I have a, I have a fully functioning farm. We did great this year. It doesn't really, it doesn't really hit the same when your wife is a famous— I mean, except for Lana Del Rey, obviously the only one who's— Speaker B: What if you just find a great nice guy who doesn't, you know, have $4 billion but is going to take good care of you? He's going to be chivalrous, make you happy, make you laugh.

Speaker C: Why would they want that? Speaker A: Exactly. And Jason, unfortunately, that men— there's very few men that want to be cucked that hard by a rich famous woman. Publicly. Like, when you're the umbrella holder for Reese Witherspoon, you're like, I make my own money. I'm actually— no, I have a, I have a fully functioning farm. We did great this year. It doesn't really, it doesn't really hit the same when your wife is a famous— I mean, except for Lana Del Rey, obviously the only one who's— Speaker C: oh my God, well, she's doing it right.

She's just dating a hot fucking big dick alligator wrangler. I mean, forget it. Speaker B: How do you know his dick is big? How do you know his dick is big, Ryan? Speaker A: Also, he's not hot, just to be clear. Speaker C: He's not. He is hot. First of all, this is— first of all, you're straight. Forget it. No, you have no expertise in this. Speaker A: You would take that, the wrangler dick? Speaker C: Honey, I— yes, like literally, like have him come inside my hole right now. I'm obsessed.

Like literally, I'm the alligator, honey, and I need to be wrangled. Okay. Okay. Speaker B: You and Lana have similar tastes in men. I'm sure Jack from Salem is also on your to-do list. Speaker C: Oh my God, Jack. Yes, of course. I mean, that little faggot, I'm obsessed. He is so— he is so gay for pay. I think he's kind of bisexual. No, he's like a bicon. Speaker B: Oh, definitely. Speaker C: Definitely. Speaker A: I think he's down for whatever, which I think makes him— that's what drives— Speaker B: How do you feel about those guys like that who they date straight women, they have sex with them, but then, you know, the one every 4 years where they kiss a guy.

Oh, it's always on camera. Like someone's always taking a photo of me where I make out with a guy once every 4 years. Speaker B: Oh, definitely. Speaker C: Definitely. Speaker A: I think he's down for whatever, which I think makes him— that's what drives— Speaker B: How do you feel about those guys like that who they date straight women, they have sex with them, but then, you know, the one every 4 years where they kiss a guy. Oh, it's always on camera. Like someone's always taking a photo of me where I make out with a guy once every 4 years.

Speaker C: No, no, no. Let's be clear. Jack Donaghy's ex-histories— Speaker A: No, he's fucking guys in airport bathrooms. Speaker C: Yeah, but also Jack Donaghy's ex-histories are basically gay. Guys. We have Courtney Love, who's a faggot, and we have— and we have Lana Del Rey, who is kind of a faggot. Like, that is like the gayest thing you could do as a straight guy is date Courtney Love and Lana Del Rey. Speaker A: Yeah, that's honestly— okay, except for that guy who's dating Cher. I think he's the only one who can top— no pun intended— Speaker C: who is dating Cher?

Speaker A: Some just like young, hot, like, you know, like backup dancer, mixed race guy. Speaker C: Good for her. Speaker A: 35, probably. Speaker C: Oh my God. Stunning. I love that. I mean, I have no point of view on Cher whatsoever, but go off. Speaker A: I don't really have a point of view on Cher either. I mean, I respect her. I think she's pretty good on Twitter, which is a good thing for an aging— Speaker C: Well, yeah. What's going on with my career with no space between the my and career?

I mean, yeah, that's— Speaker A: how can you touch that? Speaker B: A thousand, a thousand AI agents on a thousand typewriters couldn't come up with that. Speaker C: Yeah, exactly. And this is what AI couldn't come up with. Okay. Speaker A: how can you touch that? Speaker B: A thousand, a thousand AI agents on a thousand typewriters couldn't come up with that. Speaker C: Yeah, exactly. And this is what AI couldn't come up with. Okay. Speaker A: So your job is at— I mean, we're at war right now. They're coming for your job.

How do you feel? Because I mean, I know that Claude's knocking on that door and you're gonna— you want those gummy worms and they might take them. Speaker B: Are you talking about fake gay guys or AI? Speaker A: Both. Speaker C: I would love for Claude to assume the identity of a gay guy with cerebral palsy who loves to get railed in hotel rooms across America. Honestly, have the fuck at it, okay? I don't give a shit. Speaker A: So you're, you're training, you're training your agent to understand your sexual proclivities.

You're, you're saying it's not just voice, it's also, it's physical with me. Speaker C: Totally, totally, totally. I want Claude to get dick down. If it really wants to assume my personality, it needs to get dick down. Speaker A: Claude does— I mean, I, I would say of all of the— I'm not super familiar with all the AI offerings, but I would say Claude, based on name alone, feels the gayest. Speaker C: Claude, it's definitely the gayest. I mean, I just feel like the whole AI discourse is so like snoozy curds.

I'm literally like, I, I can't. It's so mentally ill. Everyone has brain rot. It's just so— it's so embarrassing to be living in this time. It's so embarrassing. Speaker A: My favorite is just when Demi Moore takes a stand. Speaker C: Oh, forget it. I mean, it's like, forget it, forget it. Okay, Demi Moore, owner of toned arms. I love that. Her toned arms. I go, sweetie, what's going on? Speaker A: Her arms look great. Speaker B: Don't do it. The arms could be a little too toned, Chris. Speaker A: My favorite is just when Demi Moore takes a stand.

Speaker C: Oh, forget it. I mean, it's like, forget it, forget it. Okay, Demi Moore, owner of toned arms. I love that. Her toned arms. I go, sweetie, what's going on? Speaker A: Her arms look great. Speaker B: Don't do it. The arms could be a little too toned, Chris. Speaker A: No such thing, guys. No. Speaker C: It's giving Nicole Richie running on the beach in 2005. And you know exactly what I'm talking about. Speaker A: Again, once again, some of these things that you guys think are negative are actually positive.

And that's what I want to— that's what I'm here to stand up for. Speaker C: Just stop it. Speaker B: Tell me about the positive attributes of being medically underweight. Speaker A: I don't know. I don't have the— are you a doctor, Jason? What do you know about medically? I don't think you have any expertise. Speaker B: A little more than you, but not much. Speaker A: We don't talk about women's bodies that way. Okay. Speaker C: First of all, I love when people ask actors to weigh in on anything.

We have to understand These people were raised on sets. They were living in Oakwood, okay? Oakwood apartment complex in Burbank. They were given Hooked on Phonics. They were given Kumon. And you want them to weigh in on AI, sweetie? Speaker A: Yeah. Speaker C: I mean, honey. Yeah. Speaker B: Like, you lost me at weigh in. Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. I don't— yeah, exactly. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Speaker B: I'm good. Speaker A: I don't think that this is, um, I just think that asking celebrities about anything besides their movie is per— or whatever it is, it would be a better route unless they want to for a funny anecdote from their life when Jimmy Kimmel's been prompted to ask them.

Speaker C: Yeah, totally. Speaker B: I hear you recently went to Hawaii with the family. Anything funny happen on the airplane? Speaker C: Yeah, totally. Speaker B: I hear you recently went to Hawaii with the family. Anything funny happen on the airplane? Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, exactly. That, that's fine with me. I'm cool with that. Speaker C: No, we all suffer. Speaker A: I don't know if you guys saw, uh, Stephen Colbert and David Byrne, um, doing one of the most unfortunate things I've ever seen on television. No, Stephen Colbert was dancing and performing with him because it's his final you know, it's, it's, it's Colbert, you know, whatever, it's over, and he's got like a week or two, so he's gonna, you know, have Jack White back to do 3 songs or whatever, really celebrate.

But it was just, it was one of those things where I was like, I get it because I do Make-A-Wish shit too, and if I was in this position, I would figure out a way to do something stupid that only serves me and my audience hates it. But it's just the dancing. I, I— Speaker B: look, ladies and gentlemen, Lo! Speaker C: Hey, you guys have all been begging for it, you've been demanding it years, and I'm finally gonna give it to you. It's Galaxy 500! Speaker A: I've done it.

Chris has done it again. The final episode of How Long Gone. Somehow he got Uncle Tupelo to reunite, and, and this is for those 10 people. Speaker B: Not a big ratings night, but you know, it's for Chris. Speaker A: I just, I find that the, the late night send-offs are— it honestly, the send-offs that they're doing prove why it's over, if that makes sense. Like, it's really like, oh, this is okay. Well, we made the right choice. Speaker C: Just like when you feel like you've been marked safe from James Corden's Carpool Karaoke, you're not.

They bring you, they bring you right back in. Speaker A: Big Boy's over in London, over in Amsterdam, chasing Harry around that stage panting. He can't keep up. He's got the, he's got the brooks on. He's trying to chase Harry. Speaker C: Just like when you feel like you've been marked safe from James Corden's Carpool Karaoke, you're not. They bring you, they bring you right back in. Speaker A: Big Boy's over in London, over in Amsterdam, chasing Harry around that stage panting. He can't keep up. He's got the, he's got the brooks on.

He's trying to chase Harry. Speaker C: It ain't working. Speaker A: He said, there better be a stack of flapjacks at the end of this fucking race, Harold, because this ain't working for me. Speaker C: Wait, James Corden is on stage with Harry Styles? No, no, no. Speaker A: But, but Harry's, you know, Harry's doing this new tour I wouldn't know. He's getting in trouble because the stage is like this insane catwalk that kind of weaves through the entire arena. Speaker B: Looks like a Satisfye running track. Speaker A: It looks like a running track.

And so, and James Corden is just in the audience and I'm, and at every show, cause they're best friends who unfortunately I have heard from several sources that James Corden, great hang. Speaker C: And I hate to say, oh, come on, sweetie. Speaker A: People I trust. Speaker B: Doesn't matter. Speaker A: People I trust. Come on. People I trust. Speaker C: No, no. Literally, by the way, James Corden's PR is literally off camera with a gun to your head. No, like, you know what to say. Speaker A: I don't want— you think I want to give James Corden grace?

Of course I don't. Of course I don't. Unless we're saying it before an all-you-can-eat buffet, I would never want to give him grace. And that's, that's something that, that's something that I can't help. Speaker C: Don't you guys always feel like Harry Styles's music is like 3 blocks away from being interesting? Speaker A: I really like the first— I really like the first 2. And you know what, yesterday we were shooting and American Girls came on, and I— American Girls. Speaker C: No, no, yeah, it is. That is like— Speaker A: it is— Speaker C: that's incorrect.

Speaker A: I really like the first— I really like the first 2. And you know what, yesterday we were shooting and American Girls came on, and I— American Girls. Speaker C: No, no, yeah, it is. That is like— Speaker A: it is— Speaker C: that's incorrect. Speaker A: Actually, I was having a conversation yesterday, Ryan, with a, with a top-ranking gay official. Speaker C: Oh, okay. Speaker A: And I— he was saying that all of— all gay guys, obviously you all like the cool girl like Charlie. Everybody likes that. But then you all have an Ariana, a Gaga, or a, um, Taylor.

Speaker C: Well, mine's Addison, by the way. Speaker A: No, Addison's cool. That doesn't count. He's saying there's like the— Speaker B: you need something from the Legacy Collection. Speaker A: Exactly. You need— when you go in the Criterion, you need a mother. Speaker B: Addison is not mother yet. Speaker A: Addison is not mother yet. Speaker C: Oh honey, Addison is like niece. Speaker B: Okay, but Chris, does the— does this mother have to have like a little like awkward, like a little like embarrassment attached to it? Speaker A: I don't, I don't even think— Speaker B: I think because most gay guys, you know, Madonna is the mother, and I feel like everyone— Speaker A: Madonna is— I think this— I think that's actually— I think that's the point.

I think Madonna is like upper echelon, no one can touch her. And then what we're talking about is this high tier, we can sell 60,000 tickets, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, right? Like, not Sabrina, not, not, you know, it's like that thing. And I, I feel like you're a Gaga guy just because you're old school with it. Speaker C: Wait, wait, you're calling me a Gaga guy? Are you not, honey? You're calling me a little monster? Speaker C: Wait, wait, you're calling me a Gaga guy? Are you not, honey? You're calling me a little monster?

Speaker A: I, I'm a little monster. Speaker C: I don't come for me, honey. I lived in Brooklyn, honey. I have never ever, ever liked Lady Gaga in my g-damn Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Speaker A: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to attack you. So you're saying that you would be more of an Ariana Grande, nasty hand tats? Speaker C: Never, never, never, never. I think, gun to my goddamn head, I would have to say Madonna, probably, because like— No, Madonna's out. Speaker A: I'm saying it's Taylor.

No, Katy Perry. Speaker B: No, Adele. Speaker C: You're saying, you're saying, oh my God, Katy Perry. Can you imagine? Speaker B: Well, I think a little bit of it has to be like a little embarrassment. Everyone loves Britney Spears, Rihanna, you know, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston. Speaker A: But what I'm saying to you, Roy, what I'm saying to you, Ryan, is because you famously have good taste in music, but you're also gay. Speaker C: Of course, of course. Speaker A: You know, you guys aren't known for your taste in music.

Speaker C: No, no, of course. Speaker B: Show us your Achilles heel. Speaker C: Yeah. No, no, totally. No, I understand what you guys are saying, and I swear to God, I'm trying to think. Katy Perry. I mean, is there anyone more embarrassing? Absolutely not. I'm so glad she saw feminism with Women's World. Speaker A: Um, I'm a kitty cat as well as a little monster. So I— Speaker C: no, no, stop it. Ariana Grande, I'm like, I'm fine with. I actually think that's fine. I don't listen to her, but I don't, I don't dislike what she's doing.

Taylor is— I mean, I'm even scared to say her name. I feel like my house is literally getting broken into. Like, I'm literally— it's like Bloody Mary. Speaker A: She's— don't worry, she doesn't know where Echo Park is. Speaker C: No, no, it's like giving like Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. I'm like really, I'm really scared. Speaker B: Okay. Speaker C: No, literally. Speaker B: Specific follow-up question. Did you see Wicked in the theaters? Speaker C: Are you kidding me? I would never in my life. Speaker B: Okay. That says everything I need to know.

Speaker A: That does say a lot. Speaker C: Because, you know, I don't watch musicals. And that press tour of Sub With Love was insane. We all had to suffer through that as a culture. Speaker A: You know who I'm scared of? You know, I'm scared of Cynthia Erivo. That bitch, she'll put some nails in my neck and I'd never walk again. Speaker B: Rip that dick right off. But I think a lot of your friends and our friends, mutual friends, cool gay guys that we respect their taste in arts.

Also, we saw them fall victim to Wicked in the theaters. It's as if it's your civic duty as a gay. Speaker C: I want to go on the record and say that Cynthia and I once got an award together, and she's very nice. Speaker A: What award did you get exactly? Speaker C: Okay, no, no. Okay, so get this, get this. My television program is out for— say it with me— 9 days. I get an email from my publicist like, great news, you're getting honored the Visibility Award from the Human Rights Coalition in Atlanta.

I've been visible for 9 days. Speaker B: For sure. Speaker C: Literally, I'm like a gay gopher coming out of its hole for 9 days, and they're like, give them the award. And so I go to Atlanta, and I have— I realize I'm getting nominated with Cynthia Erivo, who at the time I didn't know who she was because I wasn't a musical theater gay. Speaker C: Literally, I'm like a gay gopher coming out of its hole for 9 days, and they're like, give them the award. And so I go to Atlanta, and I have— I realize I'm getting nominated with Cynthia Erivo, who at the time I didn't know who she was because I wasn't a musical theater gay.

Speaker B: Shade. Speaker C: So I didn't understand who she was. My boyfriend was like totally fagging out. He was addicted to And I thought she was really nice and a good hang. And you know, I'm very discerning. You know, I'm very discerning. Speaker A: Oh, I believe you. Speaker C: I don't suffer fools. Speaker A: I'm scared of people that are nice and a good hang as well. That doesn't, those two things are not mutually exclusive. Speaker C: Totally, totally, totally. But no, I mean, she has presence. I would say she has presence, but I would never see Wicked.

Did you see Wicked? Speaker A: God, no, bro. I don't see any movie. Speaker C: I don't see movie of people that come on this fucking podcast. Chris is like, the only movie I've seen is This Thing On by Will Arnett and Laura Dern. Speaker B: No, that's a good movie. Speaker A: I actually— Alex did watch that and I didn't pay attention. I want to be clear, I was, I was doing some picking up around the house while that was on. Speaker C: That's right. I saw that trailer and I was like, I don't need to see that, like Valerie Cher style.

Speaker A: Like, that is actually one of the— that, that is like one of the straightest movies ever. Speaker B: It was a tough putt watching it. But is Will Arnett a daddy for you? Speaker C: Yeah, ultimately he could rail for sure. Yeah. Speaker B: Yeah. Speaker C: I think you can really tell. I just feel like he fucks. Like, you can tell he fucks. Do you know what I mean? Speaker B: Yeah. Speaker A: Well, the Amy Poehler of it all doesn't really give me that. But maybe the— maybe the 150 girls from Raya.

Speaker B: Polar back in the day was a little bop though. Speaker A: I think I like Polar. I'm just saying Polar doesn't look like she's getting too litty. Speaker B: Yeah. Speaker A: Well, the Amy Poehler of it all doesn't really give me that. But maybe the— maybe the 150 girls from Raya. Speaker B: Polar back in the day was a little bop though. Speaker A: I think I like Polar. I'm just saying Polar doesn't look like she's getting too litty. Speaker B: Kind of a little Stereolab chick vibe, you know?

Speaker C: Yeah, very. Speaker A: Yes. Speaker C: I kind of— I kind of love that she's invading his medium and truly cleaning the streets. Speaker A: I feel like they actually get along. I feel like they don't hate each other. Speaker C: Totally, totally, totally. Speaker B: They're both winning in the podcast space. They both make, you know, several tens of millions of dollars annually doing this. What if, you know, in 5 years they get back together? Speaker A: I feel like they also have a kid with like a name like Archie.

Speaker C: No, it's a little— Speaker A: by the way, Harvard-Westlake. Speaker C: By the way, why do we both know that? I immediately in my brain was like, it's Archie, Chris. Obviously it's Archie. It's Archie. Like, what had to die for that to live? Why do I know the name of their goddamn child? Speaker A: I, I shouldn't know that either because I'm not even— I've never watched Poler's pod, but I feel like when it's good, it's quite good. Is that the takeaway? Or is it like— Speaker C: she knows what she's doing.

She knows what she's doing. She's funny, charming, smart. She listens. Like, she I listen again, podcasts. I mean, I have a hard time, but like, but she, I listened to her and I'm like, I get it. Well, by the way, speaking of podcasts, like, are you guys like friendly with other major podcasters? Like, what's the ecosystem like? Speaker A: No, it's on site for any of those losers. I see you. I fucking see you at Whole Foods. I'm slashing the tires. Speaker C: Where do you guys stand with Dax? Speaker A: We don't have, we don't stand with Dax.

That's the thing. Dax doesn't want to stand next to us, bro. Speaker B: We had Dax's co-host on the pod a couple of months ago. Speaker C: Oh, Monica. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, actually, Monica was surprisingly awesome. Speaker A: No, it's on site for any of those losers. I see you. I fucking see you at Whole Foods. I'm slashing the tires. Speaker C: Where do you guys stand with Dax? Speaker A: We don't have, we don't stand with Dax. That's the thing. Dax doesn't want to stand next to us, bro.

Speaker B: We had Dax's co-host on the pod a couple of months ago. Speaker C: Oh, Monica. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, actually, Monica was surprisingly awesome. Speaker A: Awesome. I like Monica a lot. Speaker B: She could hold her own. Speaker C: I want to say something about that. So, okay, so I do listen to Dax sometimes, which is kind of crazy. I don't know why, but I'm into it. I really am. I'm into it. Speaker B: We found the Achilles heel. Speaker C: It is my Achilles heel. Speaker B: What are you into about it?

Because you want him to rail you? Speaker C: Here's my takeaway. When you are famoose, other famoose people will open up to you because they feel safe. They will. Because they see you as one of them. You're in the orbit, so they feel like they can let their guard down and you can get into some real good And I will say, given the kind of like cultural brain rot we're experiencing in the podcast space, I mean, I'm not naming names for once in my goddamn life, but it's truly harrowing what people are now making.

Speaker B: And we'll talk about Jake Shane later. Speaker A: Jake Shane, Jake, bro, I don't even want— I know that little— I know that little fucking Scotty, Scotty in the house. I know that little turtle's in your circles. Speaker B: Don't call him a turtle. Speaker C: I know that little turtle. So, so basically I listened to his podcast. I'm like, okay, this is correct. So then, okay, smash cut. I meet him like a few months ago. Speaker A: Dax. Speaker C: Dax and Monica. Speaker A: What were you, were you at the peptide dealer?

Speaker C: Where did you meet him? The Eagle. Um, no. So, um, what is this place? Speaker C: I know that little turtle. So, so basically I listened to his podcast. I'm like, okay, this is correct. So then, okay, smash cut. I meet him like a few months ago. Speaker A: Dax. Speaker C: Dax and Monica. Speaker A: What were you, were you at the peptide dealer? Speaker C: Where did you meet him? The Eagle. Um, no. So, um, what is this place? Speaker B: This is random as hell. I've never been here.

Speaker C: We are going to a show that Kristen Bell is in, this, this, um, this musical that she's in, uh, with my friend Karen, who's friends with Kristen, worked with her, blah blah blah. So we're in the audience, it's getting ready to go. Dax shows up, and I'm kind of starstruck. Like, I, I'm into him also. Dax can also rail me. He's definitely like Will Arnett coded for me. Um, and Monica is there, and I go, Dax, you know I'm a big fan of the pod. Um, I will say you need more faggots on your podcast.

Cast, and he's— and I, I assume he's down to clown. I assume he's down to— he's down to roll and troll. And he's like, what do you mean? And I go, um, well, I mean, like, you know, you've had literally every cast member of The Morning Show twice. Like, literally, it's, it's like Billy Crudup's world and we're just potting in it. You know what I mean? Like, like Billy Crudup again. There's games. Speaker B: And Dax Shepard is a comedic actor known for his roles buddy films from the '90s and 2000s.

Speaker C: Yes. And I see him as a playful lad. I do. I see him as playful. Speaker A: So I'm like, honey, I don't. Speaker C: I go, let's get in the sandbox and play. Speaker B: And Dax Shepard is a comedic actor known for his roles buddy films from the '90s and 2000s. Speaker C: Yes. And I see him as a playful lad. I do. I see him as playful. Speaker A: So I'm like, honey, I don't. Speaker C: I go, let's get in the sandbox and play. Speaker A: And he was— Speaker C: he doesn't.

Speaker B: He said, what do you mean by faggot? I don't know. Speaker C: I don't use that word. And he got kind of unnerved. And then he told Monica, and Monica was— talk about ready to lol. She was down. I thought she was very funny. She got it. So I was a little shook by that experience. I walked away being like, I don't know if Dak's like that. I don't know. Speaker B: I feel like he's insecure with his sexuality. Speaker C: I don't think so, guys. Speaker A: I think the only thing that— I think the only thing Dak is thinking about is the bank account and his PR.

I don't think Dak gives a fuck about— Speaker C: you know, you don't think I'm keeping— you don't think I'm keeping him up at night? Speaker A: I don't think— I don't think— Speaker B: maybe we should have more faggots on. What do you think, K-Bell? Speaker C: He's like, guys, call off Greta Lee. We don't need Greta Lee. We don't. Speaker B: It's Greta week on Dak. Dax. Speaker A: I do think that, I do think that this celebrity thing works, but it is like what you're saying, like the disarming part.

But at a certain point, if all podcasts are celebrities, can everyone be disarmed all the time? That doesn't it lose its charm? Speaker C: That— no, I understand what you mean. Speaker A: The power— Speaker C: well, I think Dax is kind of different because he was famous before podcasts. So I think that when you're made famous by the medium, no offense guys, um, then, then it's like, it's a different kind of thing. Speaker C: That— no, I understand what you mean. Speaker A: The power— Speaker C: well, I think Dax is kind of different because he was famous before podcasts.

So I think that when you're made famous by the medium, no offense guys, um, then, then it's like, it's a different kind of thing. Speaker A: No, no, I agree. No, I'm saying that actors— I'm saying that all of these actors getting into it, talking to other actors. I mean, yes, that's what I mean. It's like at a certain point there's 10 shows that are basically the same construct. It's like, which one are you getting the most open with? Speaker B: So calling Dax famous before podcasting, a little bit of a stretch.

Speaker C: Okay, someone— I guess Punk'd did it imprint on you the way it did with me. Speaker B: I mean, you know, well, he's up in the upper echelons with Seth Green and Matthew Lillard of the world. Speaker C: And Breckin Meyer. And Breckin Meyer. Speaker A: —don't forget. Speaker B: Well, I read I did some lines with Jessica Simpson in 2006. You know, it's not necessarily, you know, A-list activities. Speaker A: I need to talk about Jessica Simpson because they're getting her— they're getting her out of here for flying first class and putting her kids in coach.

Speaker C: Can I tell you something? Speaker A: That's totally fine, bro. Speaker C: That builds character. As someone who habitually leaves my boyfriend for dead in the economy, I understand. I get it. You put Jonathan in economy, bro? Bro. Yeah, I know, babe. Speaker A: Babe, you're fucking everything that moves and you don't— and you put him in fucking economy and he's still with your ass? Like, the house is nice, but I mean, I didn't— I mean, is there a stipend as well? Speaker B: He's like, he's lucky he gets to go on the same plane as me.

Is there an honorarium as well? Speaker C: Is this— how does this work? Like, what's going on, bro? So when I— when I shot season 1 of Special, I'd never flown first class in my life. Hold for applause. Yeah, exactly. So Brave, uh, and, and we were, we were shooting in Austin, Texas, and my co-star Poonam was hungover and she was flying home to do some guest spot in some NBC sitcom and then flying back to do the show. And she was hungover as fuck and she goes, oh well, thank God I'm in first class.

And I go, you're in first class? And I— she goes, you're not? That's when we realized I'd been living that economy life. The creator star and showrunner was put in economy and she was flown first class. Speaker B: He's like, he's lucky he gets to go on the same plane as me. Is there an honorarium as well? Speaker C: Is this— how does this work? Like, what's going on, bro? So when I— when I shot season 1 of Special, I'd never flown first class in my life. Hold for applause. Yeah, exactly.

So Brave, uh, and, and we were, we were shooting in Austin, Texas, and my co-star Poonam was hungover and she was flying home to do some guest spot in some NBC sitcom and then flying back to do the show. And she was hungover as fuck and she goes, oh well, thank God I'm in first class. And I go, you're in first class? And I— she goes, you're not? That's when we realized I'd been living that economy life. The creator star and showrunner was put in economy and she was flown first class.

Speaker A: Well, that was first season, to be fair. You know, you had, you had some proving to do. Speaker B: I mean, I would say that's your, your team's fault, not yours. Speaker C: That's, that's what everybody says. Yeah. Speaker A: Let's get 3 Arts on the phone. All right. So did you, did you, did you hold on? So you're saying if you and Jonathan are going to, to Greece for a holiday, no, No, no, I wouldn't do that. Speaker C: I wouldn't do that. International, we're always flying the same class.

Speaker B: LAX to P-Town, it's different. Speaker A: That's LAX to P-Town is gay international flight somehow. It's different. Speaker B: You're going to have your man in the back? That's crazy. All the way to P-Town? Speaker C: He's in comfort. He's in comfort. He's in comfort. I want to be clear, justice for Jonathan. Speaker B: Jonathan is a very tall guy. Comfort is not not giving comfort. Speaker B: You're going to have your man in the back? That's crazy. All the way to P-Town? Speaker C: He's in comfort. He's in comfort.

He's in comfort. I want to be clear, justice for Jonathan. Speaker B: Jonathan is a very tall guy. Comfort is not not giving comfort. Speaker A: I, I love Jonathan. He's hilarious. He deserves more. He deserves more. Speaker C: He's in comfort aisle so he can put his legs outside. Speaker A: Ryan, I know what this means. I fly on planes too. I'm clear. I'm clear how the classes work. I'm saying that I and Jason— Jason has a different system. My system is if I get an upgrade or I'm flying with Alex, I, I'm either sitting in the back and she's taking it, or I gotta pay for her to be there.

There's no— totally. My, my world will be, uh, I'll have problems if I don't do that. Speaker C: No, I totally, totally get it. The time it caused problems with us was when I went to Australia with him. Speaker B: It's a long one, mate. Speaker A: Bro, I upgraded Jason with my miles to go to Australia. That's how— I spent 300,000 miles. Never serviced his cock. Yeah, and he's never touched me. He don't even— he don't even tap me on the shoulder. Speaker B: He yells. Get yourself a straight guy.

Nice, loyal straight guy. Do some good stuff for you, bro. Speaker C: Spent 350,[redacted address], bro. I— look, I'm listening and learning. Speaker B: And Chris, I have so many drink vouchers that I want to add to your account from mine that I plan to later. I just I've just been super busy. Speaker A: I'm sorry. No, sure, I totally understand. Speaker C: Guys, thank you so much for calling me in and not calling me out. I really appreciate it. Speaker A: And I, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, like, I, I'm sure, honestly, I— that stuff doesn't bother me that much, especially depending on the distance.

But I feel like in your case, there's just too much going on in that relationship to not have him in front. Speaker A: I'm sorry. No, sure, I totally understand. Speaker C: Guys, thank you so much for calling me in and not calling me out. I really appreciate it. Speaker A: And I, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, like, I, I'm sure, honestly, I— that stuff doesn't bother me that much, especially depending on the distance. But I feel like in your case, there's just too much going on in that relationship to not have him in front.

Speaker C: Yeah, I'm putting him through hell. I'm, I'm— Speaker A: that's what I mean. Yeah, you're publicly talking about your philandering for 350 pages. Speaker C: I think maybe a first class situation is a bigger whore than me, Jonathan, okay? All I want to do is hold some crunchy granola hippie's hand while we listen to fucking Mazzy Star. Meanwhile, he's fisting some random guy into hunga, okay? So that's what's going on there. Speaker A: But Ryan, but Ryan, here, the difference is the fisting into hunga until now was private.

Your relationship with your weird healer in San Francisco that you got scolded for because it went too far is in a book. That's the difference. That's the difference of this thing. Speaker C: Well, then you guys are going to fucking gag because his new book is autofiction, and he— and I'm in it, and he talks all about our relationship. So I'm getting mine. Okay, I'm getting mine. You deserve it. Speaker B: When we were at the, at the book reading yesterday, yeah, Jonathan was in the front row as we're— you, me, yeah, and other, other people are reading your sexcapades.

Yeah. And you know, the look on his face wasn't upset. No. But he was, he was sort of laughing along, but you know, also you could see a little something in his eye where he was Don't you think his laugh would be more from the belly, guttural, if he was flying first class? Speaker A: Yeah, I do. Speaker B: I think, I think, I think the laugh would be coming from a different place. Those masseuse stories would go down a little bit smoother. Speaker C: I need that. You know what I need?

I need that Delta One laugh. I need that Delta One laugh. I do. I need the John, I need the John and Vinny's curated menu. I need that, those grass-fed meatballs with the ricotta on the toast. Speaker B: I will do a warm cookie. Thank you. Speaker A: How did the reading go last night? Last night. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by our best friends at BetterHelp. Jason, we're deep into May, which is, uh, Mental Health Awareness Month, and this is just a reminder that whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone.

Life is a damn journey. Some days feel good and others feel overwhelming. Whatever's keeping you up at night, it's easy to feel like you have to figure it all out on your own, but the truth is no one has all the answers. Well, and no journey should be alone alone. Having someone with you to listen, to understand, and to support you can really make all the difference. Speaker B: I agree, Chris. And sometimes, you know, it's nice to be talking to somebody even if they're not even listening, even if you don't even get to be in the same room with them, because what you're doing is you're admitting these things to yourself.

And that's the most— that's the most rewarding thing you can do sometimes. So you can have a great little therapy sesh with your perfect therapist at Better Help, choosing between over 30,000 people so you can get the right one just for you. Over 6 million people globally are using it. And, you know, have some breakthroughs. Go on that walk after your BetterHelp sesh, you know, whatever it might be. Get a nice little lunch all for yourself, maybe a non-alcoholic kombucha, and just think and be like, damn, I really am him.

You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have somebody with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at com/tom com/howlong. That is better. com/howlong. Speaker C: This episode is brought to you by Redfin. You're listening to a podcast, which means you're probably multitasking, maybe even scrolling home listings on Redfin, saving homes without expecting to get them. But Redfin isn't just built for endless browsing. It's built to help you find and own a home. With agents who close twice as many deals, when you find the one, you've got a real shot at getting it.

Get started at com. Own the dream. Oh, well, so glad you asked. Jason, did you like the bio I read for you? Speaker B: It was a very good bio. Thank you for, you know, zhuzhing it up a little bit. Speaker C: You're so welcome, Chris. I went ahead and I did the liberty of writing Jason's bio, and I think I encapsulated him pretty well. Speaker A: Can you read it for us here now? Speaker C: I would love nothing more. Hold on, let me, let me tee it up, okay?

Please. Okay, Jason Stewart is the co-host of How Long Gone, a podcast for straight guys who happen to be culturally gay. He is also a DJ. One time he supervised on that Zac Efron movie about DJing, which is, as we say in the business, random. He has excellent taste in food and wives. For a straight guy, he is better than he needs to be. I mean, come on, forget it. Speaker A: Well, better than he needs to be is how I describe Jason, full stop. Speaker C: That's great. It is.

It's literally high praise. I mean, forget it. Were you the— Speaker A: Jason, you were the only guy, right? Speaker B: Yes. Yes. Okay. I had to— I went first and I had to leave early to meet you at the Gabriella Hurst Paul Smith dining event. Speaker A: Well, better than he needs to be is how I describe Jason, full stop. Speaker C: That's great. It is. It's literally high praise. I mean, forget it. Were you the— Speaker A: Jason, you were the only guy, right? Speaker B: Yes. Yes. Okay.

I had to— I went first and I had to leave early to meet you at the Gabriella Hurst Paul Smith dining event. Speaker C: But when he told me that, I felt like I got even more brain damage. Speaker B: Like, I had to move from the gayest event in town to the lesbianest event in town. Speaker A: Well, we need to talk about— because Jason, we spoke about this last night, and I've— I did a— I did something at Skylight with Kyle Chayka a while back. And has Skylight— now I know Skylight is a, you know, a non-binary bookstore for blue hair mask wearers, but my question is the lighting, you know what I mean?

Speaker C: It's super— it's not super— Speaker A: and I understand when you're browsing books, and I, I'm— all jokes aside, I do— I really care about independent bookstores. I want them to stay open. But if you're gonna have all these readings, let's get a lighting director in. I'm sure someone would donate their time, you know what I mean? We have plenty of out-of-work Hollywood types that would love to kind of redo the light, and we get donations, you know what I mean? Speaker C: Totally, totally, totally. I mean, look, this is why I get my blood taken out and then put back into my face, is that I can look hot under fluorescent lighting.

I survive any lighting. Yeah, yeah, I hope, I hope, you know what I mean? And Jason, I thought everyone looked kind of good randomly. Speaker B: Randomly. No, everyone did look good. Speaker A: Everyone who's got Diablo Cody looks great. I haven't seen her in a while. She looks fucking great. Speaker B: Randomly. No, everyone did look good. Speaker A: Everyone who's got Diablo Cody looks great. I haven't seen her in a while. She looks fucking great. Speaker C: I mean, I'm obsessed with her. God bless. Melissa looked hot as fuck.

Yeah, no, I mean, honey, banger after banger after banger, I felt like. Speaker A: Okay, how many more of these are you doing? Speaker C: Okay, I'm doing one in New York next week with Coco Mellors, who I think has been on How Long Gone, right? Speaker A: Oh yeah, I know. I saw Coco recently, her old pregnant ass. Speaker C: Oh honey, she's going to give birth on our stage talking about me getting railed by creative directors, like literally. That is literally like— she's gonna literally be like talking about me getting a rim job, and then she's gonna— her water's gonna break.

Yeah, her water's gonna break on the Strand. Speaker A: It's at the Strand. Okay. Are you doing it— are you doing any gay places? Are you doing Provincetown? I'm doing Provincetown. Speaker C: San Francisco? I want to do— no, San Francisco, honey. Come on, you have a— Speaker A: you have a— you have a deep, rich relationship with San Francisco. Don't act like I'm crazy for suggesting that. Speaker C: I go to San Francisco to write because I need to go— I always go to places where I'm not tempted to go outside in order get work done.

And San Francisco falls into that category. There is a tier of cities to me that have amazing food, like Portland, San Francisco, where I don't quite— what happens during the day without food is none of my business. Do you know what I mean? Speaker A: Yeah, sure, sure. You're not— okay, hey, you don't have any meetings with any agencies in Portland about, you know, Adidas or Nike? Speaker C: No. I mean, fingers crossed. We'll see what happens after this podcast, you know what I mean? Speaker A: Okay, so you're— okay, what else?

Because I've been following the, you know, I've been following the Patrick Radin Keefe book tour. He's in Adelaide selling 5,000 tickets. What's your— what's the— what's your plan? Speaker C: No. I mean, fingers crossed. We'll see what happens after this podcast, you know what I mean? Speaker A: Okay, so you're— okay, what else? Because I've been following the, you know, I've been following the Patrick Radin Keefe book tour. He's in Adelaide selling 5,000 tickets. What's your— what's the— what's your plan? Speaker C: My question for those people is, are they paying for those tours?

Like, publishers don't really pay for that shit anymore. Speaker A: I think he's— I think he's at the tier where they do. Who is this person that you lit— Speaker C: what— who is this person? Speaker A: Patrick Radden Keefe. He's like a— it's a— who's that? It's not for you, it's New Yorker. He's— it's like books that are, um, Jason, I think I would describe it as they're, they're very, very good, but they're also— they have a very broad appeal in a way that is like, it's not totally apparent, I think, up front, because he's like a New Yorker staff writer and it's very like, uh, smart.

Speaker B: He did, he did that book Say Nothing, which got turned into the, the TV show about— Speaker A: he did the book about the Sacklers. He did the, the big book. Speaker C: Oh, oh, well then we stan, obviously. Speaker A: But what I'm saying is, I think it's like, I, I think there's two— him and like three chefs that get that kind of treatment at this point. Speaker B: He's moving enough units and enough of his, like, his Books get optioned before he finishes. Totally. Speaker C: And I think they're ticketed.

Speaker A: I mean, I think some of that stuff is ticketed. So it's like if people are buying tickets, then nobody's really laying out cash. Speaker C: Right. It's like Emily Henry or Pierce Abernathy and nothing in between. Speaker A: That's right. I'll be at all of Pierce Abernathy's book signings. Speaker B: Let me tell you that right now. How do you feel about Pierce? I love him. Speaker C: I thought he was gay for so long. Yeah. And he's not. Many still do. Many still do. Has it been debunked?

Punked? Yes. Speaker C: Right. It's like Emily Henry or Pierce Abernathy and nothing in between. Speaker A: That's right. I'll be at all of Pierce Abernathy's book signings. Speaker B: Let me tell you that right now. How do you feel about Pierce? I love him. Speaker C: I thought he was gay for so long. Yeah. And he's not. Many still do. Many still do. Has it been debunked? Punked? Yes. Speaker A: It's a curse to be that hot if you look like that. Is he too— Speaker B: is he too beautiful for you?

Because you're— because, you know, the Lana husband, the Dax Shepards, you know, it seems like you have more of an older grizzled type. Speaker C: Yeah. Well, first of all, yes. First of all, I— he's not my type. I like my men that look like they've been hit by a Mack truck of steroids. I like— like, my type is RFK, do you know what I mean? So, uh, I, I— so Pierce Abernathy is too porcelain doll for me. Me. Um, but, and also, I, but I do love the grand tradition of someone who is rail thin who's like cooking.

Like, I'm obsessed with it. Like, truly, like, he is a wispy— Speaker B: he's so thin. Does Gwyneth, Gwyneth fit into that category as well? Um, yes, but like, she's always whipping up a chorizo omelette and looking fucking snatched as hell. Oh, her, her boyfriend breakfasts, I'm addicted. Speaker A: What is the— I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with this. Speaker C: Oh wait, are you not following Gwyneth? Speaker A: Honestly, I might not. I I feel too close to it. Why? I don't know. I mean, I might. Speaker C: I don't know.

Well, you surround yourself with so many fucking Gwyneths, by the way, that like you don't need to. Like, your cup is full. But she's cooking on Instagram. Speaker A: Honestly, I might not. I I feel too close to it. Why? I don't know. I mean, I might. Speaker C: I don't know. Well, you surround yourself with so many fucking Gwyneths, by the way, that like you don't need to. Like, your cup is full. But she's cooking on Instagram. Speaker B: She's got Goop at home. She's doing quote unquote boyfriend breakfast.

Speaker C: Yeah, so she does this crazy thing where she does like these videos that I think she kind of does herself. Or do you think her social media manager handles it, Jason? Speaker B: It looks like it's an intimate thing of just her in her kitchen But, you know, knowing the way things work nowadays, there's probably— yeah, there's got to be some creative director. Speaker C: So she's basically like in her— Speaker B: there's an Asian gay guy holding a phone on a tripod. Speaker C: Yeah, it's totally being like, yes mama, like chop up that chorizo, gag, slay boots.

Um, no, she literally like goes to her garden. She like literally is like wearing soft linen. She like cuts the garden and she makes this breakfast that honestly looks incredible. And then she feeds it to Brad Falchuk. And honestly, I'm riveted. I'm lit. It's literally like my leftovers. That's my prestige TV. Okay, is he— Speaker A: okay, is, is Brad— and he— you see him bite into it? Speaker C: Well, Brad is— she kind of operates from this place of like Brad is kind of like heard but not seen. Like, I, I don't think she really kind of like tugs him around.

Do you, do you feel like that's correct, Jason? Speaker B: I've never seen what he looks like. I've never heard him talk. I didn't even really— I like, I forget that she's in a relationship. Speaker C: Brad is hot as fuck. I want to be very clear. Speaker A: Oh really? I don't— I wouldn't go that far, but he's hot for a Hader? Speaker C: Are you kidding me? He's a model. Speaker B: I've never seen what he looks like. I've never heard him talk. I didn't even really— I like, I forget that she's in a relationship.

Speaker C: Brad is hot as fuck. I want to be very clear. Speaker A: Oh really? I don't— I wouldn't go that far, but he's hot for a Hader? Speaker C: Are you kidding me? He's a model. Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, no, he is a pretty good-looking guy. He kind of looks like an older Pierce. Yeah. Speaker C: Oh my God, all roads lead back to Pierce. I, I don't— Speaker A: but I don't find him— I don't know. Speaker B: I just— but also he wrote Glee, which is giving fag.

Speaker C: Well, that feeling when you've written Glee. Speaker A: I mean, did he— did he— didn't he like work for Ryan Murphy? Wasn't that his whole thing? Speaker C: He was with Ryan Murphy. Speaker B: He did Pose. He did Pose with Ryan Murphy. Yeah, I love Pose season 1. Speaker C: You did? Speaker B: I don't know why I liked those fucking queens. Yeah, I never I really didn't. Speaker C: I know that's not even meant to be shady. I never saw it. Um, but, uh, but yeah, no, he was in the Ryan Murphy camp for a long time, and then I'm sure he felt his soul disintegrating and then broke out on his own.

Speaker A: Sure. And now he's in, you know, he's in— now he's in Montecito. Yeah, he's in Montecito making sure that everything's good with the house. Speaker B: Honestly, this is like a good— like, I'm using this as a trajectory for my life goal. Like, I want to be 55 with a good hairline line being a kept man in Montecito. Speaker C: How do you guys feel about Apple Martin being cast in Nancy Meyers's new movie? Speaker A: I'm good with whatever Apple Martin does. Whatever Apple wants, whatever Apple wants to do, I'm gonna support it.

Speaker C: An apple a day, Chris. An apple a day. Speaker A: I just, I love, I love to support young female— Speaker B: I didn't know that she was being cast in the new Nancy Meyers, by the way. Speaker A: I'm good with whatever Apple Martin does. Whatever Apple wants, whatever Apple wants to do, I'm gonna support it. Speaker C: An apple a day, Chris. An apple a day. Speaker A: I just, I love, I love to support young female— Speaker B: I didn't know that she was being cast in the new Nancy Meyers, by the way.

Speaker C: I love— literally, she is skid marks on the driveway from Vanderbilt, just graduated 2 days ago, already booked a Nancy Meyers movie. I mean, she's done with civilian life. Speaker A: No, she's, she's also in like the new Khloé campaign, I think. Speaker C: Yeah, like, but, but she's fully done with civilian life. She's like, okay, I did the 4-year college. Like, because, you know, Gwyneth was probably like, babe, you gotta go to college. And she was probably gritting her teeth, and she was like, fine, I'll do 4 years in Vanderbilt.

But literally a day after cap and gown, I am on set with Nancy, and I'm getting my fucking bag. Speaker A: Her going to Vanderbilt is also— I mean, that's some random— Speaker C: well, random. I think it's random. Speaker A: It is, but it's also like, it's like a very particular random. I don't know if you're from the South, it's like a Vandy girl, it's like a thing. What is it? What does that mean? It's just like a certain kind of like Southern rich sorority. It's just like a very certain kind of thing.

Speaker C: I lurk her and all her friends, of course, because it's incredible. It's like they're just true college students, like posting grainy weird party pics, like red Solo cups. It's kind of amazing to know that they're just like us. Speaker A: Oh yeah, I mean, I think that like— I think the college experience really does bring people down to that level no matter what. It's to like— unless you're like a Chinese billionaire and you have like your security guards at NYU, it's like pretty— like there's not much. You, you really just want to do drugs and drink with your friends.

Speaker C: Do you think, do you think Romy Mars and Apple Martin have interfaced? No, they hate each other for sure. I'm obsessed with Romy. Obsessed. Speaker A: They have to hate each— they have to hate each other. Speaker C: Has Romy come on here? She should. Speaker A: I don't think— I don't think her guardian would allow that. Speaker C: Well, she's wilding out and going rogue all the time on TikTok. Speaker A: No, I know, but I think on her own channels it's different, you know what I mean?

Speaker C: I don't know, she's Claudia Conway-ing her mom in such a great way. Like, literally, she's going rogue and she's literally being like, yeah, I was raised by nannies, like, literally, LOL. And I'm truly like— and then she released that song, A-Lister. Speaker A: Have you guys heard that? But the song's good. Like, it's good. People really— I love it. Speaker B: Better than it needs to be, just like my bio. Speaker A: Was it produced by Did, did, did her dad do it? Did— Speaker C: or is it like all her homies?

Yeah, her homies. Yeah, she's 21, babe. Come on, give me a break. Speaker A: I mean, I'm sure 21-year-olds are the people that make the most music, I would say. Speaker B: Maybe Northwest produced it or something. Jason's a Northwest head. Speaker A: That's his, that's his— Speaker C: oh really? That's your, that's your Northwest? Speaker A: Is your North Star? Speaker B: He's in Northie. No, I would not say that, but for whatever reason, uh, I— because hip-hop is in such a bad place right now, by default Northwest is like above average compared to the shit that is coming out.

And she's 12, so that's— Speaker C: I don't, I don't know what any of this means, but like, I guess Drake released new albums. Like, does that resonate with you guys? Like, I don't, I don't know what it resonates with. Speaker A: Chris, uh, it, it resonates, but it's— I mean, it's— I would say that it's, uh, I mean, it's done pretty well. Speaker C: I don't, I don't know what any of this means, but like, I guess Drake released new albums. Like, does that resonate with you guys? Like, I don't, I don't know what it resonates with.

Speaker A: Chris, uh, it, it resonates, but it's— I mean, it's— I would say that it's, uh, I mean, it's done pretty well. Speaker B: That's all this queen has been talking about the last week. Really? Speaker A: It's interesting because it's it's like even this, who— I mean, he's, you know, the most streamed artist of all time or whatever, probably. Yes, probably. Yeah, everybody gets like a week. Like, it's crazy. No matter what you do, no matter how big it is, no matter how much money you spend, no matter how popular it is, you get a week, if that.

Speaker C: Well, Drake is grand— Drake's grandfather did in this really interesting way where he was like majorly famous for a few years and he kind of followed the Lady Gaga trajectory, someone who famously I don't like, and he kind of like faded into irrelevance, I feel like. I mean, this is someone who's not a Drake fan, just like watching from very afar, but, but he is legacy. I understand that, but like, I don't know what he's done or made that's been actually relevant in a very— Speaker A: I mean, the biggest, the biggest song of his career, and like a record-breaking song, came out like 2 years ago, and we don't— none of us listen to it.

Speaker C: What, what is it? It's like giving like Coldplay, like what's the vibe? Speaker A: No, no, it's like a dance. Speaker B: It's like a dance called Nokia, like the phone. Speaker A: It's like a dance song. Speaker C: That's crazy. That's what I mean. Speaker A: It's like things are just so— it doesn't like— you can have the biggest— like, are you familiar? You're probably not familiar with the, uh, I'm Choosing Texas. Ella Langley. Biggest, biggest song in the world. Speaker C: Why are you guys doing this to me, making people up?

Speaker A: It's like things are just so— it doesn't like— you can have the biggest— like, are you familiar? You're probably not familiar with the, uh, I'm Choosing Texas. Ella Langley. Biggest, biggest song in the world. Speaker C: Why are you guys doing this to me, making people up? Speaker A: No, no, no. Ella Langley does sound made up. Speaker C: What's, what's next, Olivia Dean? I've suffered enough. Olivia Dean. Speaker A: Olivia Dean. That Olivia Dean song, unbelievable song, absolute smash. Speaker B: So I think people don't care about her anymore.

She had her week and everyone's like, yes, she's very talented, yes, it's awesome, just like RAYE, R-A-Y-E. But you know, no one, no one's like, I really want to go back and listen to it. Speaker C: This is, this is how I found out about Olivia Dean. I go to this erotic workshop in Esselen, okay, where basically I'm like getting edged for 3 days by a bunch of like Burning Man like it's psychotic, mentally ill. And of course I make connections. And of course all of them live in San Francisco.

So I go, you know, obviously I'm going to go to San Francisco. I'm going to get some writing done. And so one of them invites me over to their house and he's like, I want to play you this, this person that I've just been loving lately. And I'm like, okay. And it's, it's Olivia. It's Olivia. Go, what in the hell of this? That's actually crazy. It's giving— it's giving end credits of Hills for real. Speaker A: Olivia Dean feels really, really not gay to me. Speaker C: I just like don't get it.

I'm literally like— I, again, I just think of Lauren Conrad with Audrina at Toast, you know what I mean? Like, literally, like— but think about— Speaker A: Olivia Dean feels really, really not gay to me. Speaker C: I just like don't get it. I'm literally like— I, again, I just think of Lauren Conrad with Audrina at Toast, you know what I mean? Like, literally, like— but think about— Speaker A: but Ryan, but Ryan, think about how powerful that is. That is what you're saying is really a vote. Speaker B: Montages of Priuses driving this way and that down Melrose as we do a location change.

Speaker C: Oh, take me back, honey. The Labattis were so good back then. Speaker A: Did you see, you know, Stephen Colletti looks great. Are you kidding me? Speaker C: Like, absolutely, he looks great. What about Justin Bobby though? It doesn't resonate with me, you know. Again, you know me, I need retirement community or bust. Speaker A: Justin Bobby really looks like a male hairdresser derogatory, like, totally, because he looks like, like, oh, what, you have all these motorcycles and long hair and a beard and tattoos? I'm sorry, you do what?

You curl women's hair? Oh, okay, I got it. Speaker B: That's a specific Orange County bro, true. A lot of guys I know who are— shout out to 18 Visions, Jason, shout out to 18 Visions, tatted up Cannibal Corpse shirt. But yeah, I go to Paul Mitchell on the weekends and I'm getting— you guys agree, popular. Speaker A: There's a, there's a very serious hardcore to hairdresser pipeline for men that existed in Jason and I's generation. Sounds like a Morrissey lyric, but it's, it's real. It's crazy. Like, there, it would be like your tat tatted up, you're straight edge, you, you dress like crazy, you look crazy, but you are a hairdresser.

You went to Aveda, or you went to— in Atlanta it was Van Michael Salon. Speaker B: You know, all this stuff. Speaker B: You know, all this stuff. Speaker A: Well, you— because you make pretty good money, like, you know what I mean? Because like the moms totally go to you because you're like the edgy guy. You spend your day— Speaker B: you ride— you wake up, you ride the fucking Harley to Newport Beach. Yeah. And then you just— and then you just kind of like flirt with 55-year-old rich in and smoke a couple cigs and you stump the Audrina Patridges of the world.

Speaker C: You leave them stumped. Speaker A: Leave them brainless. Speaker B: Audrina said she's going to try to fix me. Speaker C: Good fucking luck, bitch. She doesn't even know how to put gas in her car. Speaker A: That's so funny. Speaker B: She fixed me a little bit, but I still do cheat on her. Okay, let's go. I want to circle back to our friend Jake Shane. I just saw a tweet saying, oh no, stop. Speaker C: Jake Shane. Speaker B: Jake Shane, alleging Jake Shane is the next Truman Capote.

Speaker A: I like this. No, I like this. I like this. Speaker C: Wait, no, come on, you guys. I, I cannot— strong enough. I'm not strong enough for the Truman Capote comparison. Let him have this. I am getting knocked the goddamn down. I'm getting— I cannot, I cannot. It's a modern day. Speaker A: Look, the parallels— Speaker B: are we hobbling you with this info, right? Speaker A: Parallels are too strong to ignore. I'm getting more disabled. Speaker C: My limp is getting more pronounced. I'm I'm going to need, after this podcast, I'm going to need a goddamn walker after this.

Pause, he's acting up. Yeah, I'm pausing the fuck out right now. Okay. Speaker B: Bro. Oh my God. Can you explain to us why? Why this is such a trigger? Speaker A: Yeah, Ryan, explain. There are people. Why aren't you holding hands with Kaia Gerber? The celebrities, exactly. Speaker C: The celebrities they're making now, I believe need to go back in the factory because they ain't done yet. Okay. Whenever I think of a new girl they just made, you know, like a Brooks Nader, type. Speaker B: Bro. Oh my God.

Can you explain to us why? Why this is such a trigger? Speaker A: Yeah, Ryan, explain. There are people. Why aren't you holding hands with Kaia Gerber? The celebrities, exactly. Speaker C: The celebrities they're making now, I believe need to go back in the factory because they ain't done yet. Okay. Whenever I think of a new girl they just made, you know, like a Brooks Nader, type. Speaker A: I'm like, what's happening? No, Brooke Snader is fully realized, big bro. She's not— she, she did 3— she was at 350 for 20 minutes and she came out piping hot.

Speaker C: No, I did— I disagree. Undercooked? We're gonna get salmonella poisoning just by looking at her. Speaker B: Kind of frozen in the middle. Speaker C: No, it's giving like we need to thaw her out. Speaker A: It's frozen in the middle from some sculpting, Jason, but it's not— Speaker C: all I'm asking for is some goddamn biotechnology. All I'm asking for is some goddamn consent, okay? Because I did not consent to these people taking over. I did not. Speaker B: Okay, so why don't you— so you said you cannot handle the Truman Capote comparison.

Obviously, I'm not saying that he's an amazing writer of a generation, but he is befriending these girls and maybe with sinister intentions. Speaker C: The comparison is crazy because Truman Capote was a troll, sub with love, but he was also incisive, cutting, like intellectual, very bright. And I feel like what I've seen of Jake Shane is he's very sycophantic. Like, it's like that— this is my, you know what I mean? Like, this is what I've like— I've micro— I've microdosed him. Just microdosed, right? Speaker A: Well, that's all you— that's all you can do based on size, you guys.

Speaker A: Well, that's all you— that's all you can do based on size, you guys. Speaker B: Okay, well, imagine if Truman Capote, instead of being a cutting, concise writer, had a TikTok show because it's 2023. Speaker A: Yeah, you got to adjust. Get with the times. McConnell. Speaker B: Get with the times. And also, he's still young. He's all— he's gathering info right now. He's in the pre-stages of his full kapote. Speaker A: And his salons, they save booths for him at Erewhon for his salon. So it's like all the girls come.

Speaker C: I listen, by the way, all these girls have never had a gay friend. I feel like I truly— it's giving like— Speaker A: well, Phi, that guy, that boy Phi, but he's not out. So it doesn't count. Speaker C: It's just giving that'll do pig. I mean, that's the vibe. So like, it's like I can't out. So that I'm listening to an episode, okay, because I want to— I want to know, I want to know what's going on, right? And sometimes you need to take a break from Dax, you know what I mean?

So I'm listening to it and this is literally like what it is. It's like, oh my God, I fucking love you. And then the celebrity is like, are you kidding me? I feel like so safe right now. Like, like literally like we're family. Like I literally was like, okay, like I'm with you, we're safe, we're fucking family. And he's like, no, we're fucking family. And it's like literally like this weird fake intimacy Off, you know what I mean? Where it's like basically they're just professing their love for each other until their literal brains blow out and there's just guts all over the podcast studio.

Like, I, I just don't understand. There are no questions, there's no inquiry really in general. Like, it's so odd. And like, not to be this girl that's like, journalism is dead, but like, bring back Lynn Hirschberg. Like, bring back that kind of thing because there's none of that anymore. It's so bizarre and it's so boring. Speaker A: It's so boring, bro. We go over this all the time. It's— they're not gonna— they don't have to do it because they own— their channels are bigger than any, any platform can give them.

So it's like, anything challenging, why would I do that when I can go on TikTok and dance in a bikini and have an ice cold ice matcha and we're good to go? Speaker B: Yeah, why go see Hunter and max out your deadlift when you get better gains just, you know, walking down the street? Speaker A: Yeah, I can go to the Aloe Gym with Jake Shane and wear a sleeveless, you know, dry fit. Speaker B: Also, when you were doing your vocal impression of Jake Shane's, it did sound like Truman Capote.

I'm just going to say. So I asked ChatGPT to compare Jake Shane and Truman Capote. Yeah. What they said. They have a distinctive speaking style and persona. That is both true. They're both gay social commentator energy havers. This is my favorite one. They're both tiny raconteur archetypes. Tour. They're witty, compact, and flamboyant storytellers. Speaker A: They're racontouring at Sushi Park. It's really going down. Speaker C: I guess maybe, maybe I just need more time to adjust because I feel like I went to bed one night living, laughing, and loving. The next day I was like, okay, Jake Sheen is actually deeply famous and why have you never heard of him?

And also he's going to be on Broadway and he's doing this and he's with Kaia Gerber. And I'm like, what happened when I was asleep? Like, what happened? This is how it goes. This is how it goes, bro. Speaker A: We're moving at the speed of light. Speaker C: I leave my station for 8 hours. I leave my station for 8 hours and literally they let him in. Do you know what I mean? And it's not okay. Speaker A: We're moving at the speed of light. Speaker C: I leave my station for 8 hours.

I leave my station for 8 hours and literally they let him in. Do you know what I mean? And it's not okay. Speaker A: You sound like, you sound like Justin Bobby when he left the foils on for too long. Speaker C: He said, I left, I left for 8 hours, I come back. Guppy said, Scotty, where are we at with the therapist booking? Are we there? Are we there? Did we get it? Speaker A: I mean, I do feel like though, he— I, I appreciate the fact— and call her daddy's like this too, but it's just that there's no one that's not a— at the exact right moment celebrity.

Like, they don't mess around with like— there's no like, this is my friend, or this person's just cool and funny. It's only celebrities or someone from Love Island that just got kicked off. Yeah, we are peaking on— we are peaking right now, and we have them and you don't. And I, I respect it. Speaker C: While we're burning so many virtual bridges, where do you guys stand on Alex Cooper? Are you calling her daddy, or call your— is it call your daddy or call her daddy? Speaker A: Call her daddy.

I mean, look, Alex super having a baby to run interference on bad press. Amazing. That's incredible. That's commit— that's a commitment like I've never seen before. That's a commitment like I've never seen before. I have to respect it. She is hot. I've always said that. She's hot. She's hot. No one can stop her. Uh, but I think that the, um, I think that there's this Vanity Fair story that I keep hearing about that's coming out. Me too. I can't wait. No one's— and it keeps getting pushed back and blah blah.

So apparently there's something, but I don't think it's going to be anything. I don't think it's really gonna— I hope it, it, you know, is crazy. I'd wonder if it can be, but I— having a— announcing a pregnancy to distract from bad press is, is unbelievable. Speaker C: I know, it's incredible. Honestly, you kind of have to respect it. Is this piece going to be about her, like, husband apparently being psychotic and, like, screaming at everybody? Speaker A: I mean, I think it's— yeah, but, like, I don't care about that.

That doesn't— like, I'm like, whatever, dude. Like, you gave me— Speaker C: oh, I forgot, you're only in it for the Alex Earl tea. Yeah, I am. Speaker A: I don't like mean, mean boss stuff. Give me that Earl Grey tea, baby. Mean boss doesn't move the needle for me. I could care less. Like, oh, a guy was an asshole to a social media manager, who cares? Like, I don't— like, of course it's not great, but that's not like piping hot tea. Speaker B: It's fork found in drawer. Speaker A: Yeah, it's just like, who cares about that?

If you still get excited about that, or like arguing about intern pay, it's like, dude, what are we talking about? This is— Speaker C: yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, let's talk about something bad. Speaker A: Like, are they robbing people? Is there some weird— are they putting this money into an arms race that we don't know about? Like, how bad can this be? Speaker C: But I feel like screaming at people is like kind of retro. I feel like it's like— because it never went out of style, we just pretended that it did.

Do you know what I mean? People were always behaving monstrously, they just had to sort of keep it under lock and key for a while. Speaker A: I don't know, but I just think that that doesn't— I mean, obviously that is a— that that is a, you know, a blemish on someone's character. But that to me is not like gonna— my eyes aren't gonna bulge out of my head when I'm reading it, you know what I mean? It's not gonna— it's not gonna like spin me right round. Speaker C: I just want everyone to be a little more interesting.

That's all I'm asking. That's all I'm asking. I don't— Speaker A: I don't just— I don't disagree with you, but I think that there's like a— I feel like that— I don't know, I mean, I feel like you can do that or you can go like Ivy Woke where it's like OD. No, I'm obsessed with her. She's my queen. So it's OD? No, she's my queen. Speaker C: I just want everyone to be a little more interesting. That's all I'm asking. That's all I'm asking. I don't— Speaker A: I don't just— I don't disagree with you, but I think that there's like a— I feel like that— I don't know, I mean, I feel like you can do that or you can go like Ivy Woke where it's like OD.

No, I'm obsessed with her. She's my queen. So it's OD? No, she's my queen. Speaker C: I'm addicted to Like, she's gonna— first of all, she's gonna run the world. And like, she's 21. She's— honey, when I was 21, I was like ordering Percocet, like, fucking Grubhub. Like, literally, like, that was all I was doing. Like, watching The Rachel Zoe Project, like, in a flow state. And she is literally writing brilliant captions on Instagram that, like— Speaker A: what I'm telling you is— what I'm telling you is that there's no— there needs to be a middle ground, and there's not.

Speaker C: That's what I'm trying to say. I know what you mean. Speaker A: There is her going absolutely crazy, like, scaring the hoes level of behavior, that like is going to be tough to bottle. Yes. I think for money-making purposes, if you're scared of that, then you're— Speaker B: then you are a ho. Speaker A: Yeah, but I'm like, no, no, I understand. Speaker C: There's two roads to take. You either line your brain with strawberry glazed smoothie from Erawan and go full like Terry Shivo vegetative state, or you're doing, uh, you know, IV.

I totally understand. Speaker A: I just mean like, if, if they're not gonna hire, you know, Dasha to be an actress, you know. I don't, I don't know who— like, I feel like Ivy could run into similar problems if it keeps going the way it's going because you can't just say whatever you want. Speaker C: No, because— no, but Ivy is way more nuanced. Dasha was so first draft. It was— Speaker C: No, because— no, but Ivy is way more nuanced. Dasha was so first draft. It was— Speaker A: guys, I'm telling you, I'm telling you that I'm, I'm fine with all that, but people, they don't let you— the leash ain't that long, bro.

The leash ain't that long if you want to make real bread. Speaker B: Yeah, but Ivy's on the right side of history. Everything that she's saying, most people with a brain agree with. It's true. And, and Dasha's like Nick Fuentes is hot and like JD Vance could get it and stuff. I don't just— Speaker C: I don't— yeah, like literally, like, like, like, Dasha's doing a pap stroll at Erewhon with Alex Jones, you know what I mean? So it's like literally like— and Ivy's just like being chic. Speaker A: Guys, the world changes very quickly.

I'm just saying to you, I, I'm— Speaker B: we're saying it's leaving you behind, Grandpa. Speaker A: I'm saying one day you— one day you can be on Succession and the next day you're back podcasting. That's all I'm trying to say. That's all I'm trying to say. The winds, the winds blow. I think she's awesome. I think she's really funny. I like all of it. I'm just saying that that level of extremity is really fun until you get to certain levels and people don't understand anymore. Speaker B: Is that the Awkwafina effect?

Sorry for interrupting, Ryan. Speaker C: Um, no, but like, having cursory knowledge of the Ivy lore is that she has been canceled and renewed since she was 13 years old. Like, she was literally in the sandbox in the 6th grade, like, getting canceled by, like, and like, by, like, weirdos on the internet telling her to go kill herself. So I feel like she's almost, like, weirdly cancel-proof. Like, she's lived through so many identities on line. Speaker A: I'm not saying cancel that, that you guys are misunderstanding me. I'm saying that like the people who write the check are going to be like, I don't get this, this is too weird.

That's what I'm saying. Speaker C: Yes. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. When she— I'm not saying— no, when she has to sell her ideas to the Ralphs of the world of Hollywood, that's what I'm saying. Speaker A: I'm not saying cancel that, that you guys are misunderstanding me. I'm saying that like the people who write the check are going to be like, I don't get this, this is too weird. That's what I'm saying. Speaker C: Yes. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. When she— I'm not saying— no, when she has to sell her ideas to the Ralphs of the world of Hollywood, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker A: It's going to be hard because it's cool and it's too cool. That's the problem. It's too funny. It's too good. Speaker C: Beyond, beyond the Ralphs of the world are going to go full stigmata the second she starts talking. Like, they're gonna be gushing blood in fucking Culver City, and they're not— yeah, no, of course not. She's too weird and too smart. And unfortunately, we are— Hollywood is in truly such a flop era that I— yeah, I can't imagine that. Yes, I completely agree with that. Speaker A: That's all I'm saying.

That's all I'm saying. But I— okay, I gotta run, Ryan, but thank you for joining us today on How Long Gone. We love you. And, uh, all right, the book is out when? Speaker C: Now? Oh, um, I think it's May 26th. Speaker A: Okay, I feel like I've lived with it for so long. As a privileged— as a privileged Goodreads member, I was sent a galley copy of this, and I was like— Speaker B: he's been jacking off to this book for months at this point. Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is kind of old. Speaker C: Well, you guys— you guys have both been involved in the unveiling. You've— you've read two entries of the Slut Diaries, Chris. Speaker B: People call us allies. I don't like labels like that, but I— Speaker A: there's nothing I want more than to see you thrive. So anything I can do, we love to platform you. But no, thank you for coming. Good to talk to you as always. Get the book, get all the books, and we'll see you soon, Ryan. Speaker C: Good to see you, bro.

Thank you, guys. Muchas gracias. Speaker A: there's nothing I want more than to see you thrive. So anything I can do, we love to platform you. But no, thank you for coming. Good to talk to you as always. Get the book, get all the books, and we'll see you soon, Ryan. Speaker C: Good to see you, bro. Thank you, guys. Muchas gracias.