Listener Tales 111: Camping Tales

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Why does everyone think that? Just use Hidden Valley Ranch Dip Mix. Visit com to get this recipe and more for your next family gathering. [01:27] Hey weirdos, I'm Bigfoot. And I'm Mothman. Duh. I actually can't believe you like macked on my man like that. Yeah. [01:37] It's crazy. He belongs to everybody, I feel. [01:41] News to me. News to me, Mothman! My costume didn't come in time, so... [01:49] So pretend I'm Bigfoot. Yeah, I cricketed that. She made this for me. Mothman woman. Mothman. Mothmama. Mothmama. I love it. I also just like that you're wearing like Nancy from the craft sunglasses.

I respect it. That's actually. [02:04] I'm excited for these. I was going to say, would you just wear those anyway? [02:07] Oh, and this is morbid. [02:23] Yep, and it's also in our tales, in case you didn't know why you were here. It is brought to you by you, for you, from you, and all about you. [02:33] all about you. And this listener tale is camping themed, which is why we are creatures of the forest. Camping is something I am unfamiliar with. [02:44] And something I would never like to be familiar with again.

[02:47] You've camped before? Like when I was younger in a tent. Yeah. No. Yeah. I learn new things about her every day with one of my friends. I went with their family. [02:56] Why? Because I thought it was going to be fun. I went camping once. [03:01] Donna? Whoa, that's my mother-in-law's name. Donna, are you watching? Wait, doesn't Donna like camping? Oh my god, Donna loves camping. Yeah, Donna loves camping. He's reminding me. Yeah. I went glamping. Yes, that's literally. He's like, you camped with Donna. And I did, and I've told you about this, but when Drew's family, they used to camp like when they were younger, but they glamp, or not even really anymore, but they used to glamp.

I love that. They had like a really nice. You can't stay. [03:31] if that's okay. Is it my story? Is it just that you don't care? Can you stay for like an hour? [03:35] It's a lot of questions. Sorry. If you could stay for like an hour, that would be sick. But if you can't, I understand. But yeah, that's one of the only times that I ever got sleep paralysis is when I stayed in there. That makes sense. I don't know if it's [03:48] I don't know if I'm not sure what the difference between a camper and an RV is.

[03:51] Is there one? Beats me. They had a nice thing that we... [03:57] Go pack? Go back. Go back? No, Nicholas, I'm not going to. He said, it seems like it was nice. No, here's why I'm not going to. Oh, okay. It was like a vehicle that you park in the woods and you sleep in. Like a nice one. And I got sleep paralysis there, and I thought of the Blair Witch a lot. [04:14] It's valid. It was scary. I think that's so fair. Thank you. And if you're going to get sleep paralysis anywhere, it's going to be camping.

Yeah. Or camping. I don't want to do it again. Yeah. [04:23] I won't be doing it again. Oh, I don't like it. I will not be doing it again. I don't belong sleeping outside. I don't like the woods. We just went into the woods and I stepped in poison ivy and now I'm really paranoid about it. I mean, I love the woods. [04:34] I like looking at the woods. And I like a nice walk through the woods. [04:38] yeah and i loved you know i i like hanging in the woods sometimes i don't but like but i feel like it's it's whimsical it's vibey i haven't hung out in the woods since i was like a drunk teenager and like you remember woods parties and yeah so that was the thing i actually referenced woods parties um during one of my live show segments oh there you go yeah that's funny that oh woods parties were the best they were fun what i would give the woods

[05:03] Yeah, that's fair. That's a good thing in the woods, but I'm not sleeping out there. Somebody would inevitably always say, the cops are coming! And everyone would run into the... [05:09] into the actual woods out of the clearing. Every time someone would yell cops. And the cops were never coming. They were never coming. Except the cops did come one time. [05:18] So they did come one time. One time they did come, but that wasn't my business. Well, now that's the woods. So and this is your that's our woods. Yeah, this is brought to you by you for you from you and all about you.

So we need to move on from us. This is your woods. Tell us not our woods. Tell us the tale of the camping woods. So the first woods that are your woods, your woods, yours. This is going to the first one is don't drink those fucking murder beers and how my dog vomited to save our lives. [05:48] What do I do? [05:50] What do you do? Sorry, it's been a little while. You can just hang out. And if you have anything to say, go right ahead and say it because you're spooky and everyone loves you, Nicholas.

[06:00] Period. Okay, so whatever you feel. If you have something you want to yell out, yell it out, babe. In fact, more people are into your vibes, Nicholas, lately. They are. We had a few haters. Sure, we still do. But you're always going to have haters, Nicholas. That's how you know that you're doing something right. Yeah, you probably have a page on Reddit. You absolutely have a page on Reddit, I'm sure. That's how you know you made it. Yeah. But... [06:20] it all comes around and eventually people love you. Exactly.

They're loving you. And Nicholas, I don't know, maybe you should come to the live show with us for a little while. Yeah, he's gonna. I don't know. Period. So let's start here. So the murder beer guy and why you should never camp in Bend, Oregon. I said Oregon. I said it right. Good for you. But in my heart, it's Oregon. Also, I'm never going to camp in Bend, Oregon. No. And I'm never going to camp [06:50] Because of the Oregon Trail. [06:52] I'm not going to camp and get dysentery. That's right.

This is a doozy and maybe too long. I'm not sure. I like that. I like that you're not sure right when we start. You're like, I don't really know. I want to start out in a good old fashioned listener tales tradition and say how [07:07] I almost said stinked because I'm wearing sunglasses. Oh my gosh. How stoked I am to have found your podcast. My name is Sarah and yes, you can use it. Hi, Sarah. My therapist says that listening to your podcast is almost like a meditation. I love that.

That was before I mentioned it was a murder pod. I was wondering if your therapist had all the information. I said, wow, me and my partner are tattoo artists and we spend a good amount of time traveling. This wasn't the first time we had camped near Bend. I like this. [07:37] I like this. I like this so far. I like where we're headed. I like you. I like this. I like the vibe. I like this, Sarah. The best description I can make of the humans that inhabit this dusty, forsaken land is as follows.

Everyone is either a hipster, a hippie, or straight up good old boy, backwoods, redneck. Whoa. I like that. Those are three distinct things. For... [07:58] a short moment. Yeah. And then you said, good old boy. And I said, hate that. Hate that. So I'm going to take these off while I read because my eyes are not good enough. And then while you read, I will put them back on. Perfect. [08:10] The three don't get along, but everyone can agree on one thing. The woods are the place to be, and there are a lot of woods in this area.

I mean, hundreds of square miles of dense, uninhabited woodlands. From mountain biking, camping, river rafting, hiking, off-roading, shooting guns, there's a lot of outdoorsy stuff to do in the area. And that brings us to our story. I don't know why I felt the need to do that. I really liked that you did that. Can I do that on you? You just went... [08:38] am I allowed to YouTube do that? can you boof on YouTube? you can boof on YouTube I don't know are we still going to get monetized? [08:49] If you boof on YouTube.

Well, no, not boof. That means poop. It doesn't even. Boof means poop to me. Like, I'm always like, oh, got a boof. But to other people, I think that means shove a tampon soaked in alcohol up your butt to get drunk. [09:04] To all these other people. [09:07] Bye. [09:07] I'm too old for this. I'm too old to be on the internet. Wait, we have a Gen Z book behind the camera. That's what boofing is, isn't it? [09:22] Like, I'm always just, well, not always. One day I just started calling pooping boofing and farting for that matter, too.

This is a little about me. Honestly, I like that. Like, that makes sense. Like, I feel like that's right. Yeah. But I shouldn't say it too much in front of people that don't know me. No, apparently not. Because they're like, oh, you're just announcing? What the fuck? Soak a tampon and alcohol and put it in your butt. [09:49] It's not even that. It can literally just be [09:52] Wait, you put the bottle in your butt? What? [09:58] Oh my God. Wow. I'm, how does that work? I feel like you'd have to do a handstand for that to work.

He said, yep. Yep. I don't know how we got here. I'm from another time. So I don't know. I've, I've landed here accidentally. My people just drank. My people just go fast and drank. [10:28] and there are some really popular trails in the area. At first, I just read that as really into mountain. Just really into mountain. My partner Chago loves mountain. One thing about me, love mountain. Chago plus mountain equal love. And by the head of one of the main trails is BLM land dispersed campsites. If you don't know what that means, it's basically free campsites with zero camp amenities like toilets, benches, tables, designated campsites, or a camp host.

[10:58] people. [10:59] Or boofing. [11:02] Just primitive camping in the creepy woods. We love that kind of thing, especially since it's free. That sounds horrifying to me, I'm not going to lie. Shitting in a hole? All of that. Yeah. Like that there's nothing, there's no amenities. There's no toilets, benches, tables, designated campsites, a camp host, nothing. Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah. So it was Chago and I with our pup camping out here down a long dirt road off the side of a main highway. [11:29] Pretty far away from any other people camping out there.

We hate people. So do we. Same. Down the road a bit deeper is there were bigger campsites with a ton of people in their RVs and trailers and some tent camps and a bit further down, they had some logging activity happening. So big logging trucks were occasionally seen barreling down the dusty road. [11:50] The first night went swimmingly. Our pup's first camping trip had her rolling in the dirt like the little piggy she was, and I had my hammock up and a nice book. Oh, relaxing. Chago rode his mountain bike to the local trails and was gone for a couple hours while I just hung out at the site.

Then we drove into town to see my nephews, and afterwards we met up with some friends and had some drinks. We got back to the camp kind of late that night, and Chago was pretty buzzed. [12:20] I felt alone and kind of scared. Oh, I don't blame you. Sarah, the forest was too quiet. Every little snap of a twig had my heart jumping. My dog either picked up on my anxiety or just felt the vibe. It was whisper, whisper, borking at every noise. I know. I love when they do that.

I know exactly that whisper, that like. [12:37] Sometimes Dolo does it in her sleep. Yep. Something wasn't right. Not even the crickets were chirping like they were the night before. Dead silent. Now, I have a completely irrational fear of Bigfoot murdering me in my sleep. Scream! Scream! [12:53] You should scream. Yeah, yell, Sarah. That will make Bigfoot go away. Listen, we're misunderstood. But I feel like a scream would make you be like, oh, yeah, go away. I don't want to hear it. But like, I'm not going to murder you. Well, that's the thing.

You hear scream. You're like, oh, that was not my intention. Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. It kind of bums me out. Yeah, of course. I've always felt that way. I'm not trying to bother anyone. Yeah. Bigfeet, [13:13] They just want to buy Bigfoot feet? Yeah, Bigfoot feet. I have a completely irrational fear of Bigfoot murdering me in my sleep while camping, and this forest was very squatchy, as the guys on the show Bigfoot hunters like to say. I actually love that. How dare they hunt me? How dare they?

So I just chalked the bad feeling up to these squatchy woods and my irrational fear and finally drifted off to an unsettled sleep. Squatchy is a gross word. It's kind of hilarious. It's like onomatopoeia. [13:43] bit of a tiff and him having a brutal hangover was surely to blame. I decided to take a walk for some air and took my dog with me. She's a Frenchie and quite buff, so she looks kind of tough. That being said, she's scared of literally anything, including piles of towels that weren't there earlier or statues or reflections in the mirror.

I'm obsessed with that. Anyways, we walked up the road deeper into the woods and turned off to the right hand side after I spotted a pile of rocks that seemed like a good lookout spot to contemplate my whole existence and try to distract [14:13] that you were in a music video. Oh, absolutely. I hope so. Yeah, you have to. [14:18] You always have to. It's to do when you're walking or when you're alone in the car. Yeah. Driving in the rain. Yes. Looking out the window. You are the main character.

And your mom's Ford Taurus in the backseat. And here's the thing. Always do that. Yeah. Forever. It's called whimsical. Whimsical. [14:34] Be the main character of your own life. Whimsy up your life. And don't feel bad about it. Romanticize that shit. Yeah, romanticize. [14:41] Happy. He's romanticizing his life. He is. He's like, I love that. That makes me happy. Because Nicholas, you're the main character in your own story as well. Yeah. So we were a few hundred feet from the dirt road down a slight hill. That's where I heard a noise coming from behind me and deeper into the woods.

A kind of specific rumbling of an engine and a blasting of ACDC through some shitty speakers. What song? Very specific sounding. [15:07] True. True. I turned around to see where the noise was coming from and spotted a white Ford cargo van coming down the road. That's never good. I'm going to get out of there. Run. The front windows were down and I could see a man with a scraggly beard and a weird sun hat singing loudly and moving erratically. [15:25] I don't hate it quite yet. I'm not like totally put off by this yet.

He's just singing. Slightly. Moving erotically. [15:32] Maybe he's just a white person dancing. I'm known to move erotically as well. We're all known to do that. My dog's hair stood on end all down her body, and I got a creeping anxious feeling as he passed out of sight, heading towards our camp in the main road. I specifically remember thinking as he passed... [15:49] Thank fuck he didn't see us down here alone in the woods. Well, trust your gut. That's a gut feeling, babe. We weren't there. And we're in our house.

No. So what do we know? You tell me that you suddenly felt... [16:01] Thank fuck that he didn't see us alone in the woods. That tells me something. Shortly after, I saw Chago emerge from the trees riding up the road on his mountain bike. He spotted us and came down to where we were. He mentioned that he saw a white van pass our camp. He said the van slowed down and the man driving made eye contact with my partner as he crept past our camp. [16:23] He looked like he was scoping out our campsite, Chago said, so I knew I had to come find you and make sure you weren't in the back of that van.

That's nice. Yeah, that was very nice, especially after a fight. I know. He still loves you. The thought made me shiver. We hung out for a bit and made up, tried to teach our dog how to ride alongside the bike. The little dumb baby did great until she bolted in front of the bike's path, almost causing Chago to yeet himself off the bike. That's tough. [16:53] forgetting the weird band guy, and getting ready to head to town. As we were packing up, I heard a noise coming from the direction of where the dirt road starts.

Through the densely packed, barren trunks of dusty trees, I saw the first glimpses of white. It was the van. The roar of the engines and blasting... [17:11] Tinny music was very specific. I said, fuck, it's that man again. The anxiety started again. We sat and watched it rumble up the road through the trees. As it came closer, we just knew some shit was going to happen. But it's like we were frozen. It got closer to our isolated single campsite. [17:28] and then fucking rolled to a stop. I hate it here.

Before we knew what was happening, my dog flipped her shit and started barking like I've never heard and ran at the van. Get her, I shouted to Chago as he tried to chase after her. The man leaned out his window and I could see his greasy, long, black beard and long hair. Wash your hair. His weird straw sun hat and truck stop sunglasses kind of obscured his face. There's nothing wrong with gas station sunglasses. [17:58] He was trying to say something to us through the nasty tobacco-stained face hole that was missing some front teeth.

Oh, no. Our dog was still going cuckoo nuts. And through the barking, the guy asked, Do you guys drink? Not with you, babe. Huh? [18:15] At this moment, Chago reached the van and my dog was trying to wrangle her in while trying to look as tough as possible. He said, I'm getting my French bulldog. I'm getting my little Frenchie. [18:28] tattoos and he is as an intimidating looking guy this did nothing for us in this case it was chaos he tried to calm our dog down and as he was trying the man turned around and reached for something in the back of his windowless white van so cliche at the exact same time as this man reached behind him my dog stopped barking and turned to look back at me i saw why she stopped barking she was

[18:58] She was looking back at me with panic in her eyes. She was so worked up over this greasy human that she puked. I get it. Same girl. Same. She said, stay away from my pawwins. Insert vomit noises at the end of pawwins. There you go. Anyways, the man turned back around and had something in his hands. It was two beers. Chaga was so caught off guard from the projectile vomiting. LDB, little dumb baby. [19:28] dirty hands rapture not the rapture honey nicholas right now i think we just got past a rapture it's i'm sure i'm sure another one's scheduled what would you do if i just went floating up into the other just went [19:42] I was just like, oh, I'm going to heaven.

Bye, guys. Me and Nathan are just like, fuck. You both go, she wasn't even baptized. Goddamn. Wait, you guys were both baptized, weren't you? Yeah. Yeah, you'd be so pissed. Yeah, I didn't even go here. I'm his godmother. Oh my gosh. I think like technically you're mine too, even though I didn't get baptized. My mom was like, yeah, that's how that works. That's me. My mom claimed she baptized me herself at the hospital, [20:12] That's how that works. She said she found some holy water. She probably just like found this man with the beer and poured one on my head.

So that'll work. That'll do. She found the little basin somewhere and she was like, liquid. It was probably like somebody's bedpan. Somebody's piss that she just found. That explains a lot about me. Thanks, Darce. Leave it in. [20:38] anyway we'll see what happens next rapture nicholas but that's that's evidently why i won't be getting picked i was baptized in a bedpan canon a canon event oh god now people are gonna message me and be like i'll baptize you yeah it's gonna get weird just get ready uh thanks man have a nice day chago said in a way that invited no further dialogue and was very direct in the deepest [21:08] voice.

He said, get out. The guy smiled the gross, crazy looking smile and slowly rolled off. That's when he turned his attention to me, still sitting far back away from the road, trying to position myself behind my parked car. He made eye contact. And as he rolled by, he shouted to me, [21:23] I like your hair. You look like my sister. What the fuck? [21:30] Thank you. [21:30] Your sister? I love that. You look like my sister. [21:36] That's mine. Is that your sister, Nicholas? He's like, that's my life. [21:43] Using my best unfuckwithable tough bitch face, I just politely but sternly replied, [21:50] Thanks.

And stared him down as his van crawled away. Chago dragged our girl back to camp and we tried to clean her up. After that was done, we looked at the beers the man had handed him. They were called Boneyard something. Don't drink those fucking beers, I told Chago as he put them in the fucking cooler like a dingus maximus. Chago. We packed up extra light, extra tight, took all our [22:20] park. This park we went also had some more advanced trails. So while I sat and hung out with the children, Chago took a couple laps on his bike.

Generally enjoying the day and forgetting about the weirdness from earlier, me and the boys played in the sunshine and chased butterflies. That's adorable. I love that. I heard the familiar whirring of Chago's bike and looked up. Surprised by the look of alarm on his face, I stood up and asked what's wrong as he finally [22:50] guy at the top of the trail and had a very interesting and alarming conversation. The old guy told Chago that he wouldn't have been on this particular trail if it wasn't for a closure of Phil's trailhead where we were camping.

Oh god damn it. Chago thought he was just talking about how because of the logging in the area some of the trails over there were closed. No not that, the guy continued. The police barricade of the road, the canine units, helicopters, drones, and complete emergency evacuation of the area due to a criminal on the loose. What? [23:20] Yeah. [23:21] You guys missed that? Oh, shit, we're camping over there, Chago responded. That was happening while they were in the other park. Oh. Oh, is it you they're looking for, then? The guy coyly asked as he laughed and rode away.

He said, I'm not a fucking go. I love that he said, fuck that. [23:38] Immediately, I got on my phone and started searching the news for any information. The closure and emergency evacuations were confirmed. The cause was someone in the exact campground area we had at our camp at [23:51] called in and threatened to kill everyone in the area and then kill themselves they said that they had full a fully loaded rifle and handgun with them oh my god panicking we packed up and headed to town but the closure was still active so we dared not try to return to camp we sat at a restaurant called dump city [24:08] Why the fuck would you ever name your restaurant Dump City?

That's crazy marketing. That's reckless as fuck. I'm obsessed with it, kind of. But they were just like, it doesn't matter if we call it this. Dump City! We had a couple of drinks. Oh, dumplings. [24:25] Dump City, come for the dumplings. I don't know. Wow, you should call them. Give them your idea. [24:33] I got you, Dump City. I do love dumplings. I do too. But I don't know if I'd get them from Dump City. Well, they also kept an eye on the press releases and waited for an update. The update finally came.

Police apprehended a man who was intoxicated and had made the call from his white Ford cargo van camped out in the BLM forest by Phil's trailhead. Or nor. It was him, the beer guy. [24:55] good thing that you looked like his sister. Yeah. Maybe that's what spared you. It all worked. It was him, the beer guy, now the murder beer guy. Really sunk in. He had reached behind him and had in his possession two guns, which he planned to use on people in the area, but instead pulled out some beers to ever so kindly hand to us and send my dog into a vomit attack of panic.

This crazy guy had probably reached around his firearms to hand us those beers. That... [25:24] I feel like I would spend the rest of my life being like, why didn't he kill us? Yeah, that's stressful as fuck. Thoughts started racing. What if we had been mean to him? What if I didn't remind him of his sister? I'm telling you. What if the dog hadn't vomited and distracted Chago and he said something rude or told him to fuck off like we would have done in any other circumstance? Because you would have been fully within your bounds to do that.

What if he had seen me alone in the woods? Was that the bad feeling I got the night before? Because the man had been camped in those same woods? What if? [25:54] What if... [25:55] What if? Oh, I like how you ended that. I told Chago again, don't drink those fucking murder beers. We raced back to our campsite after the all clear and packed up haphazardly at record speed and got the fuck out of those woods. We camped in my sister, another sister, in my sister's driveway the next night and enjoyed a non-squatchy, non-murdery evening.

That's a nice evening. Except... [26:18] Chago drank the goddamn murder beers. Here's the thing. I like had a feeling Chago was gonna drink the murder beers. Yeah. Chago lives life on the edge. He does live life on the edge. And I respect that about Chago. Good for Chago. Yeah. Then in the theme of the day, proceeded to projectile vomit the bad juju that was for sure encapsulated in those ominous boneyard beers. Oh no. And there it is. I hope this was entertaining because it's definitely a staple story for the rest of our lives.

[26:48] enjoying the amazing an amazing sobriety hell yeah chago and she said so proud of him and i say we're proud of you chago yeah fuck yeah i hope you enjoyed this and i hope you keep it weird but not so weird that you narrowly avoid possibly getting yoinked out of existence by a greasy crazy van guy but get saved by a distracting projectile vomiting puppy and possibly looking like said man's sister but then drink murder beers and get so sick that you give up drinking forever [27:18] Oh my god, I hope you have a tattoo of that dog because that's the most tattooable dog I've ever seen.

A beaut. A beaut, in fact. A true beaut. I feel like, um... [27:27] What's that style? [27:29] I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Period. That's it. Yeah. No. Period. Like, I like... [27:37] I don't know. That dog just looks like a tattoo. He does look like a tattoo. You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful dog. Look at you with your cool sunglasses on. Yeah, I gotta put him on. I just want to stare at your dog. When it's time to vibe. Sarah, that was an amazing story and it was really scary and I was on the edge of my seat.

Literally. That man would have killed you. [27:54] Yeah, if you didn't look like a sister. So I'm really glad that you guys, good for Chago. I think Chago read the room too. I think he was just like, thanks, man. Yeah. Like he got the vibe. Yeah, it was smart. You guys were smart. [28:05] good job sarah i kind of just burped that at you sorry good job all right tale two my real life man or the bear oh no oh the bear the bear the bear that scares me a lot this listener would like to remain anonymous and we'll allow that we will allow you to remain anonymous fine hey morbid fam you know that question that has been popular recently on the ticky talky oh yeah the one asked of women you're alone in the woods who would you rather encounter a man or a bear

[28:32] Here's my real life answer. In August of 2024, I was, I almost just read I was blowjobs. [28:40] Just, I was. I was blowjobs. I just became. [28:45] What the fuck? It says I was between jobs. Like, not even slightly that word. Not even at all. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means about me. I'm not going to explore it. Fuck. [29:02] Sorry, anonymous. I was between jobs. And I decided to visit my happy place. McLeod Falls in California is out near Shasta. And there's a campground that runs along three gorgeous waterfalls.

That could call to me. Yeah, wouldn't camp there, but I'd go there. I'd go there. I'd look at it. Yeah, I'd look at it and then I'd go home. I had been there at least five times already, but I just love it so much out there that I had to go again. I stayed about a week. And although I went alone, the campsites around me were all occupied with happy campers. [29:32] The first night, I slept in my tent but didn't sleep well, so I left my tent up as a placeholder and slept in my car instead.

I've been on the road a lot, and I prefer my car because it has a hard shell. I can get more comfortable, and I can leave quickly if I need to. [29:45] yeah that's fair smart yeah i also didn't have campfires because i go to bed early so i can wake up early [29:51] So the days go by of exploring and swimming. I saw tons of deer. And one morning I even saw a baby black bear. They're so cute. They're so cute. Leave them alone. Don't go near them. Don't be like John and get out of the car and try to follow them.

Yep. John tried to look at one very closely. And even his 10-year-old children said, maybe you shouldn't do that, dad. He said that was dumb, dad. On my last day, I decided to pop a cap. [30:12] What? [30:13] in someone's ass. [30:17] Hello? Oh! [30:21] What does that say about us? Because I think you mean open a beer. But I've never heard that. I've never heard that. The only pop a cap I've ever heard is in someone's ass. And that means shoot them. That's, I immediately found out that. I've never heard that for, like, open a SOTY.

Like a SOTY. I just, I thought it was like, I've heard, like, crack one open. You know? On my last day, I decided to shoot someone's ass. And that's it. [30:51] Period. And that's the Litter Tale. [30:55] I see why you wanted to remain anonymous. [31:02] all right so i decided to pop a cap yeah and then she's this person whoever it is is like are you guys for real what did he just say what did he say no way no way you shot someone last no way that's crazy so [31:28] In the

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Hell yeah. I'm just picturing a chubby mermaid shooting something. [34:40] Just a chubby mermaid with like a glock. [34:46] what's happening i don't know what has happened it's the pop of the cap it is um so i swam under the falls and i floated with only the sounds of constantly crashing water it was getting towards on towards evening and i realized a lot of people had left and there was only two men standing on the bank oh get out of there i continued to luxuriate in the falls for as long as i could and when i got back to the bank there was only one man left somehow that's worse than two men yeah you know what i mean i don't know why as i was drying off and getting ready to walk back to

[35:16] All overweight fedora, my lady-looking mother... Oh, no. Oh, no, like, m'lady? M'lady. Oh, no. M'lady-looking motherfucker approached me. He said, could you take a picture of me? He was holding his phone, and this seemed like a normal request. I said, sure, and started to climb down the rocks to take his phone. That's when he said, I want to send my girlfriends in the Philippines a nude photo of me. Oh, go fuck yourself, dude. You're so nasty. Go fuck yourself. Put your junk away. I'd literally be like, fuck off and die.

[35:46] Amen. [35:47] She would. Yeah, fuck off and die. I'd just scream. You nasty bitch. I'd scream and jump back into the water. No, fuck off. I just grabbed his phone and I immediately said, sorry, I can't do that. And I handed his phone back. I grabbed my stuff and I walked slash jogged as fast as I could back to camp. I was pissed. This was the last night of my magical camping trip. And now I have to look over my shoulder. I wished I had thrown his phone. I don't blame you.

You should have. You just stomped on it. But you know what? You were being smart. You were. [36:17] these falls a few years before. This same motherfucker asked me that same question at the same fall years before. What? I'd forgotten because I had so many adventures around that time and so the memory kind of just faded. Good for you. Then I thought- I love that she was like, life is so great that I just forgot about that shitty thing. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah, absolutely. That's awesome. So I had so many great adventures around that time that memory had faded.

Then I thought how gross and pathetic that this guy is still out here trying to get women to take [36:47] Dante's Inferno, I imagine he would be in the second level, where lusty fucks are, quote, blown into a violent storm without hope of rest. Hell yeah. And he would just be walking around for all of eternity with a broken camera asking for people to let him pose nude. Yep. So I got back to camp still pissed and upset and climbed into my car and watched the trailhead to make sure he hadn't followed me.

I was in the clear now and I decided to totally pack up so that that... [37:10] so that that so that that so that in the morning i could gtfo once i was packed up i noticed that a lot of the campers around me had left the camp docent was uh only a couple spots away in a cabin so i felt okay i got ready for bed and curled up in my car what's a docent [37:26] I know there's a museum docent there. [37:30] But what's a docent? I think I would have said, I'm trying to think of for like a campground what it would do.

[37:35] What does a museum docent do? I think they're like, they like oversee everything. Oh, so it's like a keeper of the grounds kind of? I would think so. I'm not sure, so don't hold me to that. Well, that's what we think. But the night didn't end there after I curled up in my car. Some young men pulled up at the campsite diagonal of me. I hate that. Yeah. And they left their car lights on as they looked around and set up. I realized I wasn't going to get any sleep right away.

So I grabbed a little bottle of tequila and my green, and I sat on the picnic table in the dark looking up at the stars. It was dark and I was quiet. [38:05] I looked at the stars and I savored my final night in one of my favorite places. I do respect that you're like trying to like not get them to ruin it for you. Yeah, like still having a whimsical moment. Yeah. For yourself because you deserve it. You do deserve it. And like you should be able to do that.

Yeah. I'd been out there 20 minutes and I noticed something walking about 20 feet from me. I couldn't see well and it took me a moment. But I realized that it couldn't be a deer because of the size and the way it moved. It was a big black bear. Oh. It was scouting for food left behind by other campers. [38:35] it. I saw it recoil for a moment, like it smelled me in my booze. I think it sensed that I wasn't a threat, so it walked past me, not wanting any trouble.

As soon as it passed, I climbed into my car just in case. Yeah, black bears are like pretty... [38:49] cool they're chiller yeah as long as you don't like fuck with them they won't fuck with you usually i think isn't it like they're more scared of you really yeah black bears get like freaked out like skittish yeah yeah unless they're protecting their babies but obviously you don't want to fuck with a black bear like no i mean don't fuck with a bear we have a ton of those around the house yeah the bear didn't bother me it silently shared space with me the bear didn't try to manipulate me the bear wasn't pervy the bear didn't ask me to take a pick or a pick [39:14] The bear didn't ask me to take pics of it naked.

Which kind of would have been adorable if it did. I love this next line. In fact, the bear was naked, and it still wasn't creepy about it. The man made me feel uncomfortable, and I sense he would have tried to lure me in and escalate. So yeah, team bear, 100%. Hell yeah. I love that. I love that you had the man and the bear in the same night. Yeah, you had an experience with both of them. [39:40] And it was... [39:41] crystal clear yeah who you would pick like she didn't even talk about like feeling scared of this bear no she just was like oh shit that's a black bear yeah she was like i'm just gonna sit here for a minute and it looked at her just kind of smelled and was like all right i'm gonna walk away now isn't that just like really sad that a woman will be like oh wow a black bear and then oh fuck a man like then see yeah like that's real that man walked up to her and asked her to take a

[40:11] if I whip my dick out yeah I do you wouldn't know her she doesn't go to school here yeah yeah like that's that vibe and this bear just chugged on through yeah but yeah [40:22] anonymous. That was a good too. I'm sorry you experienced that. Like I'm still glad that you had a good time, but I hate that they even tainted your trip twice. Cause that's gross. To a beautiful place. Yeah. [40:32] All right. Tale number three. I literally got lost in a horror movie-esque forest survivor. [40:37] like the TV show style featuring a rift in the fabric of space time.

[40:44] He said that again. He's not here. Yeah. Are you talking about Mikey? [40:48] He's usually here. [40:50] Sometimes he silences you. [40:53] Maybe that's why he's talking so much. He's like, he's not here. So I'm out. Also, he said, he said, listen to me. Yeah. [41:00] You see what you did, Mikey? See that, Mikey? Mikey's like, God damn it, it was one time. He was like, God damn it. He was like, it was an intense story, okay? No. I have to start off with a bit of backstory, so you better understand why I did what I did and how on earth I ended up in this situation.

I grew up in a smallish town in Manitoba, Canada. Speaking of Canada. That's where Mikey is. My parents are ultra hippies, in a sense, and wanted their children to go up near nature. So they bought a house off-grid on the edge of a forest where I was born. [41:30] My parents had me in their early 20s, and after deciding they wanted more children after many years, they had my brothers in quick succession. That means that I technically grew up an only child because my brothers, twins, were born when I was 14 and my baby brother when I was 16.

Oh, wow. So I had to find ways to entertain myself. [41:49] You may say that my parents were crunchy. No preservatives, food dyes, having their own chickens and sheep for eggs, wool and meat, walking barefoot and so on. I'm obsessed with this. They became less and less strict in this regard as I grew older, and especially after they had more children. But it's still in there somewhere as my brothers are also, quote unquote, forced to play outside. We had a rule when I was a kid that you had to be outside for at least four hours a day.

[42:19] Yeah, you got to ground. That meant that I played mostly alone in the forest near our home every day until I was about 12. Since my friends usually had other things to do after school, I suspect their parents didn't enjoy the idea of their children running around in the literal swampy forest until dark. I used to go into the forest around our home and do whatever six-year-old children with sticks and rocks did. From then, school ended until it became dark. I was out playing hide-and-seek with my imaginary friends, climbing trees and eating dirt.

[42:49] My parents used to call that me gaining an immune system. All right. I tell you this because I've always felt a very strong connection with nature in the forest. And even now I live basically in the forest with my girlfriend, like the cottagecore gremlins we are. I love that. I love that. I'm obsessed. It never felt scary or alien to me, which I believe clouded my judgment and caused me to have a huge case of hubris that put me in a dangerous situation that easily could have been avoided. That's a bummer.

[43:20] But it also made me do this. It's true. I love the word hubris. I do too. Now, my first year at uni, I made some wonderful friends, Allie and Isaac, that love all things outdoor as much as I do. [43:30] We made it a recurring tradition to every year go out bare bones camping in the early fall. I call it bare bones camping since we usually only packed one tent that had been in someone's garage for God knows how long. Far too little food, far too much alcohol. And that's about it.

See, I think that's why people enjoy camping because I think they bring a lot of alcohol. Yeah, exactly. So like you can enjoy anything with a lot of alcohol. In like a haze of inebriation. [44:00] we brought with us, along with whatever we foraged and made. Now, that may be many people's worst nightmare, but I enjoyed a lot and consider myself quite apt at surviving in the woods. And I respect that. If there ever is a zombie virus outbreak, hit me up, and I'm sure we'll survive. Thank you. It sounds worse.

It sounds worse than it was. But now when we go, we do prepare better. For example, we bring a lot more food in those foldable polar panels. We bring foldable polar bears. [44:30] We bring foldable solar panels that can charge your electronics in two tents since Allie and Isaac decided to make me the third wheel and get together. Oh my goodness, Allie and Isaac. Oh my God, Allie and Isaac. Come on, you're fucking in the camping trip. I've been somewhat older and a little smarter because it was honestly a miracle that nothing really bad happened to us the last five years.

[45:00] anniversary. So we decided to go all out and go to a national park a few hours away from where we lived. The park had many campgrounds and different overnight accommodations. But in true us fashion, we didn't want to be around other people. So we decided to hike right into the woods in a random direction and see where we ended up. I like that. That's a theme here that everybody's like, I didn't want to be near other people. I just I really hate people. So I decided to be away. That's how you know that you're our people.

Yeah. Now before it gets spooky, I have some warnings. [45:30] dumb. We're dumb people with no regard for our own health. All right. Two, never go hiking right into an enormous forest if you aren't on a hiking trail and aren't familiar with the location. Don't gotta tell me twice. Three, if you do, bring water and food and a compass or a map. Don't be dumb like us and never go alone. Four, first aid kit. You know it, you love it, bring it with you. I appreciate those warnings. Those are really good.

Now that I've provided the masses with an [46:00] forest on a Thursday and in high spirits with lots of spirits in my backpack. In the afternoon, we found a little clearing and set up camp there. This forest wasn't really that dense or dark, but it was very symmetrical, if that's the right word for it. Every square meter looked the same, so when you didn't see any landmarks, you could walk 100 meters and it didn't look like you had moved. Oh, that's not good. The first night was totally normal. We ate freeze-dried spaghetti and

[46:30] You can't breeze past that. You can't breeze past freeze-dried spaghetti. I'm intrigued. [46:36] What the fuck? [46:39] I'm intrigued. I said I'm not like excited. I'm not excited. I want to see it. [46:44] I don't even know. Like, show me what's freeze-dried spaghetti looks like. No, I want to see it. Can't you just bring a thermos with real spaghetti? Nah. [46:52] Freeze-dried spaghetti? It's like astronaut food. I know we had to try that when we went to an astronaut museum in school. That astronaut museum that we have around here.

I think there is one. I don't know. We went there. We tried freeze-dried food and it was gross. But they didn't like spaghetti. I remember trying freeze-dried ice cream and stuff. Yeah, the ice cream was good. But we tried other stuff and it wasn't good. No? No. I don't remember it. [47:19] Spaghetti shouldn't be freeze-dried. [47:20] We shouldn't do that. I'd like to see it. [47:23] And that's where we stand. That's where we stand on that issue. So on Friday, we went deeper into the forest. I wouldn't do that. That's where I stand on that issue.

After a while, we found a spring and decided to sit there for a bit. It was literally the most boring, normal camping trip ever. Until it wasn't. That was until our phones died. Say, I told you. So for context, we didn't bring any charging equipment with us. [47:45] But we also didn't use our phones for anything, as that was part of our challenge. We had them turned off somewhere in our bags, and when Allie went to take a picture of the spring, her phone wasn't turning on. So naturally, Isaac and I also tried to turn on our phones, but none of them would turn on.

I hate that. A little bit creepy, but maybe we could have the cold drained the battery or something. I don't think that happens. That evening, we tried to find a place to set up a tent, but the trees grew so close to each other that it was impossible to find a large enough area to pitch a tent. [48:15] We hadn't walked that far from the spring, so we figured turning 180 degrees and walking back would be easy. After two hours, when we still hadn't found our way back, I started to get freaked out.

Isaac and Allie started building a semi-functional shelter from the wind, and I went to try to figure out which way was the way back to the parking lot. I had to figure out which way was east. Oh, fuck that. How I would do that, I had no idea, since the sun had just set, and you couldn't really see any stars or anything because the trees were in the way. [48:45] That's when I heard something that sounded like a grown ass man screaming. [48:49] The way that you just dropped that... [48:53] He was like, yeah, it was so weird.

It was crazy. It was starting to get a little. And that's when I heard the man screaming. That's how I know you're a man. Because if I heard that, I'd just sink into the earth. [49:03] I'd sink into the earth. Like... [49:06] Top of his lungs falling off a cliff without any safety equipment screaming. You know what happened? He found your freeze-dried spaghetti. [49:16] It's inhumane! [49:20] i'm telling you it did sound far off but it still gave me goosebumps i could still see isaac and ali so i shouted to ask them if they had heard anything and they hadn't which was super weird what the fuck because i only stood like 50 meters like 160 feet from them and it was really loud this is giving blur which later that's all i keep thinking of which one of you which one of you is gonna throw the fucking map in the stream which one don't have a map who is it they already did

[49:50] Oh, later on, we laid down to try to sleep. Isaac said he heard something walking in the forest, like twigs snapping and footsteps. Pretty soon you're going to have little handprints on your tent. That part fucks me up. That part, even just thinking about that, I was like, ah. Because the kids make some noise, like they're lifting something at some point. Oh, stop. No, no, no. I don't like to talk about it. That noise sends me. That movie... [50:12] is a masterpiece. And they're not going to do a good job remaking it.

You can't remake it because you can't remake that marketing. Also the amount of people you can't do it. I wasn't even there. And I know you can't. I'm out of there being like, do we get to see the witch this time? No, that was the scary part. No, you don't. It's like why the strangers doesn't work in sequel form because you showed me the strangers. I hate it. No, your brain is scarier when it [50:42] thank you for coming. [50:46] Weirdly, Allie and I didn't hear those footsteps. I don't like that.

It's like traveling through the group. Like one person hears something, the other two don't. I don't like that. The next person hears something different, these two don't. Because it's isolating everybody in that moment of fear. [50:59] And I don't like that. That's weird. I don't like that. I do love that for like a story, though. [51:05] Great story. So the forest was dead quiet, like unnaturally so. We couldn't even hear the wind or any animal noises, but Isaac insisted that he had heard something. The next morning, after miserably failing to sleep, we again tried to make our way back from where we came.

We still had some food left and water purifiers in case of emergency, so we weren't going to starve, and with the daylight, I was a little less scared. [51:35] had come up and we could figure out which way was east. Around midday, we could hear running water, and finally we had made it back to the spring. Or so we had thought. Allie went and picked some berries so we could snack on them while Isaac and I sat around and tried to make a game plan of sorts. Are you guys going to start tripping now?

Probably. A little while later, I could see Allie running towards us, zigzagging through the trees, yelling something. [51:58] When she stopped, I could hear her say she saw the parking lot from where we came from, but that was impossible if this was the same spring clearing area. She swore up and down that she'd seen headlights in the distance and heard a car engine stop. So we packed up our stuff and followed her. [52:15] There was nothing there. [52:16] No sound, no roads that a car or four-wheeler could have driven down.

Nothing. At this point, I still wasn't as freaked out as I probably should have been. But we continued walking in a straight line to the best of our abilities, thinking we would hit the edge of the forest somewhere. We set up camp for the third time, and almost as soon as the sun went down, shit got wild. I told you it would. As I said earlier, in this forest, every tree looked the same. There was almost no natural landmarks, and you easily got turned around. [52:46] when I went to pee a little bit away from my friends, we're close, but not that close.

Sorry. That's respectable. And I saw an Oak tree. I was thoroughly flabbergasted. This whole forest was like pine trees and other tall, skinny trees. So why the fuck was there a large, probably at least 70 year old Oak tree in the middle of the forest? Then I started hearing things like small animals running up and down the tree trunks and skittering all over the place. Almost like they were running from something. Blair witch. I shown my flashlight in the direction of the sound. And what do I see?