May Bonus Episode: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

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[01:14] Unknown Error. [01:17] What? [01:17] Then how do you even know it's an error? Yikes. [01:21] Try LinkedIn Premium All-in-One for free at com slash all-in-one. Hey, weirdos. I'm Ash. And I'm Elena. And this is a bonus episode of Morbid. It's bonus. [01:43] It's bonus. It's on top of the other two this week. It's on top of everything. Yach, you guys. Oh, my God. [01:51] Breaking Dawn Part 1 is the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. The book is also wildly rough. Oh my god, I... Wildly rough.

I remember reading this book, I was probably like... [02:04] 13 maybe when this one came out, maybe 12, and I was like, this is the sexiest thing I've ever read in my life. And now I'm like, ugh! [02:15] What the fuck? [02:18] It's... [02:19] It's a trip. It's, it's a trip. Yeah, being almost 30 years old and looking back, I'm like, why the, who let me read this? That's the, and I got, I got my post-its back out in the book. I love watching Elena prepare for these episodes because that bitch whips out a pack of post-its and she just goes to town.

Yeah, because you gotta, we gotta do book and movie and illustrated guide. Yeah. And website. Yeah. [02:44] the web got some off the website i got a lot from the website [02:48] I was surfing through that website and there's just so many things I have to say. Stephanie Meyer is a trip. You are a trip. You just really are. I just need to say this because it's. [02:59] checking me off at one point she writes like somebody else is writing for stephanie in in on the on the on the um website like her fan site or whatever you want to call it and then she writes like she's writing it but it's within the same couple of paragraphs it's confusing so i said who the fuck is writing this if not you steph yeah yeah it's a big it's a it's wild yeah it's a wild ride all the way through i feel like i now i can't remember breaking down part two at least

[03:29] the movie because i when we were watching this i was like oh wow i don't remember like any of this i yeah specifically didn't remember that edward delivers the baby via his teeth yeah [03:38] Which is hard to forget. It's wild. I think that was actually a trauma response. Yeah, for sure. I think that was in a box somewhere in the deep back part of my brain. Yeah, your brain really protected you there. But now I'm like, oh, God, what's going to happen when we do part two? Part two just has a lot of funny lines in it and line deliveries.

Okay. [03:56] And then there's, like, a pretty cool fight scene, I'm pretty sure, if I remember correctly. There is a cool fight scene, and I remember... I don't know why we're getting, like, into part two right now, but I do remember that Bella has that, like, force field thing she can do. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I actually completely forgot about that. That was... I remembered that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, but this part right now. Well, before we get into that... [04:18] We wanted to announce our next Morbid Book Club.

Period. Pick. It's going to be Victorian Psycho by Virginia Fado. I'm very excited. We're very excited about it. We have a special guest joining us. We have a special guest joining for it. It's going to be fun. It's going to be great. It's an author. An author, you say? It's a horror book. [04:40] author. And we're very excited about them coming. And we're excited to talk to you about it. It's a pretty, it's a, it's a book that's on the shorter side. So it should be pretty. [04:51] Pretty easy to get through.

Yeah, I think even if you're like an audio listener, I think the audiobook's like four hours. Yeah, for sure. So check it out. And it's supposed to be great. I'm excited to read it. Yeah. That'll be, what, the end of June that comes out? Yeah. [05:05] Mikey! [05:06] Does that come out at the end of June? [05:08] oh yeah that'll be the end of june that'll be the end it's kind of funny so you know what i should just start yelling at my job you remember that the gang gang twins yes you absolutely should um so yeah that's the business that we have um also since we're talking about books if you want to pre-order a book you should pre-order the uh but your legacy cat and mouse because it's there yeah [05:34] and you should order it yeah i really good the prologue of it the other day after not reading it for a while and i said that's not that bad wow i don't even think i suck at this and i was like i'd actually venture that you're pretty good at this so i'm telling you i said that's true and he goes does she realize she's been on the new york bestsellers list twice and he was like in like at the very beginning of her career it's it's the thing that will never he was like that's of pretty high esteem i'll constantly be like [06:02] oh yeah i'm getting better at this you are you know you are uh always improving and i think you you have a natural talent to thank you i appreciate that so yeah go get go get that if you want to you can get it anywhere so and my uk babes some specials coming for you too so stay tuned is that the thing you showed me the other day yesterday nice yeah that's only for uk yeah that's so cool i know i'm gonna get one too though hell yeah oh can i have one yeah cool

[06:32] I didn't even mean to make that so spoily or like exciting, but that's a cool thing. See? Okay. So yeah. So that's all the business. And now it's time for Breaking Dawn Part 1 because... It's time. This one... [06:45] is wild y'all i forgot how true i think we saw this together in the movie theater we did i think we might have been with my mother maybe [06:56] I mean, you mean Renee? Yes. No, watching this movie, I said, that would have been my mother if she was invited to my wedding.

She went, good night. That would absolutely be. We will be getting into that. With the disheveled hair and all. She looked great. [07:13] wild she was good she said everybody at this wedding getting tipsy she did she did i like charlie's speech the best i love charlie to an unhealthy degree i love when he walks in he goes yeah i know i look hot and i was like you do i said you really do charlie you're looking good bud you really do all right let's start where are we starting so we gotta start with one thing that makes me fucking so annoyed oh god so and it's the overarching theme of this whole thing okay [07:43] So obviously in a lot of these things, we find that Stephanie Meyer goes against her own lore that she created.

Because the illustrated guide will say something, the book will say something, the movie will say another. And then they all collide into just like a fucking crazy thing. Now, in the illustrated guide, she says, Stephanie Meyer says that she understands that people won't accept or get the whole vampires and humans having babies. Like that would be like, wait, what? Well, yeah. Because you've never brought it up before. Yeah. [08:13] children have been brought up. [08:15] But that's like a different thing. That's like when they were creating vampires as a baby and out of like kids.

Yeah. Which is so fucked. [08:22] What kills me is she says, but to her, her, and I quote, scientific reasoning. [08:29] is enough for her. Huh. [08:32] Was she doing experiments? [08:34] scientific reasoning? Should you do the scientific method on this? Nothing about this. And here's again where it doesn't make... So you say, whoa, okay, so you're science. [08:45] We're science here. Uh-huh. That's... Now, science... [08:48] in case everybody's wondering, is based in reality. Yes. Right? We're firmly in reality right now because by her own words... [08:56] Here we are.

Two feet in reality. Okay. So she says... [09:01] She went against her own previously set up lore, obviously, because, like, you know, that happens. And instead of saying, like, you know, because I would respect this if she said, I wanted this plot point. You know, I felt like it was going to be a good direction. It felt important to me. It goes against the lore. But, like, I just went there because it was really important to go here. She's, like, making it canon. Yeah, I can at least respect that, that you're saying, you know what, I'm going against my own lore, but it's important.

And I think it's going to be worth it. Yeah. But instead... [09:30] She says first that her scientific reasoning is enough for her for this to work. And then she says... [09:36] Guys, it's fantasy. Vampires are real. Oh, boy. She really said fuck y'all. So you just told me... [09:47] With ten toes down in the realm of reality that it's based on scientific reasoning. [09:54] And then in the next breath, you say to me, you believe in vampires? That's so cute. You idiot. That's so cute. You fucking freak. Like, it's just like, what?

And she's like, no, I can make it up as I go along because it's fantasy. And it's like, no, I know that you make the world and that, like, you can make it whatever you want. But then you have to follow your own rules. But the problem is you made lore. And not only did you make lore, you made an illustrated guide that you didn't need to make. I think she might forget that she made that. [10:24] that no one made you do. Because there's also another big thing that happens with Jacob.

There's a few... Yeah, there's some glaring issues. That one is glaring to me. Yeah, like, and it's such an easy out to say. It's fantasy. Yeah. Vampires aren't real. It's like, but you made this. And it's like, but also... [10:42] But you're taking it so seriously. And it's like, and it's okay if you take it seriously, because it's your world you created. But in the same breath, you're telling me that's fucking weird that you believe this. [10:53] But believe this, please, and care about it. It's like, no, you can't have it both ways.

No. Also, I do feel like it's kind of misogynistic that vampire guys... It's like how, like, men can fuck until they're 70 and, like, be a dad. I have a lot to say about that. It's not nice that she was like, vampire guys can impregnate human women. But vampire women? Empty. Stuck. I'm gonna get so into that. I like that. What bothers me about just, like, to go back to this one thing is... [11:20] Like, I love fantasy. Yeah. Fantasy is fun. Yeah. I will fully envelop myself in a fantastical world, and I will believe it for the moment that I'm reading it.

And it's like, but you, and she, as somebody who's writing fantasy, like, if I was writing a fantasy, I love fantasy so much that I wish I could write a fantasy novel. I'm sure you could. It just seems like a lot of work, because you have to have a lot of work. Not that I'm, like, averse to work. But I'm just saying, like, creating a whole lore and, like, [11:49] magical system [11:50] is like daunting, I imagine. I'm very impressed by that. Obviously tough, because as it builds and builds and builds, you have to remember all of the rules.

Exactly. It feels hard. Like, maybe I'll try it someday, because it does seem fun. And now that I said that I don't think I could do it, now I feel like I have to do it. She has to prove it to herself. You know why? Because she's a Virgo rising. That's not even Capricorn coded, that's Virgo coded. Yeah, there you go. But if you are writing something like that, I imagine that you take it very seriously, and you take the [12:19] the world seriously and to you, [12:22] It's in that moment very real, and you want readers to feel like it's very real while they read it.

So then to... [12:29] to kind of cop out of fucking up against your own lore with... [12:33] you think this is real, guys? Yeah, it's insulting. Vampires are real. Like, you silly gooses. Like, what are you doing? I'm like, no, you can't do that. You can't make readers feel stupid for being enveloped in this world when you've given me every reason to be enveloped in this world. Like, that's not cool. No. No. [12:50] Like, you can't just be like, it's fucking fake. No, we know that. Like, you don't bring me back to reality.

That's not what we're looking for. You're supposed to keep me rooted in this world. And again, if you just said, yeah, you know what? The story just had to go this way. I felt very passionately about it going this way. I'd be like, okay, girl. [13:06] Like, I can respect that. Yeah. But to use the, you guys are silly for believing this and caring so much is like... [13:15] okay like you don't blame your readers stephanie yeah don't blame your readers for giving a shit about your story and remembering your lore yeah huh like fuck she also said that this was inspired by the merchant of venice and a midsummer night stream and which are both in the movie by the way i just want to state that yeah that's all i'm gonna i'm just gonna leave that there like damn what yeah i don't know i don't know i don't really know i'm not sure about that i'm not really sure [13:45] And [13:46] Also, why?

Because we're like four movies in at this point. Why do the Cullen's wigs change so much? The wigs. Where's the wig police when you need them? Tom Link. Where's Tom Link with the wig police? Tom Link would say, what the fuck is going on here? He would, because also what bothers me is I'm like, so many questions here. One, [14:06] Why is their hair changing when it's very much drilled in our heads that they are frozen? Yep. [14:13] frozen rosalie's hair in particular goes through such a character arc yeah it really does like her hair has a character um so does carlisle's carlisle's hair what happened because he he looks so beautiful in like the first two and then i don't really feel like carlisle in the first couple

[14:33] is... [14:34] just sculpted out of stone i mean he's beautiful gorge and i'm not saying he's ugly in the later ones but no no no his hair here's the thing his hair looks ugly it does and i'm willing to say that because it's not his hair it's not good it's like like what did you say it's like straw yellow raw yellow and it's like parted over to the side but not like coiffed at all it's just like mushroom hanging in his face it's giving mushroom it just doesn't make any sense and then jasper's hair [15:04] I saw a couple TikToks of him hosting, like, Twilight discussion things, and he's really funny.

Yeah. Like, the actor who plays Jasper. He's played by Jackson Rothbone. Yeah, so you know. I was like, wait, I figured it out. No, that's just the character. That was hilarious. I was very impressed. I should have just gone with it. But yeah, one of the... [15:24] Like, going back to what you were saying, like, one of the things, because I'm like, they're all supposed to be frozen, because also, where... [15:32] are the wigs from season from movie to movie okay that's what i was asking like that's like even mikey has a wig drawer yeah that's a production company and mikey has the same wigs in that drawer 24 7 rosalie's wig [15:46] Who has it from the first movie?

Where'd it go? I don't know. Where is it? [15:51] Mikey is opening his wig drawer. Yeah, and putting on... That wig looked so scary. That's the Sherry Moon zombie wig. [15:58] from when i was sure moon it's when i was sure moon oh my god there you go honestly that looks like one of the collins wings that is rosalie's wig and but i really want to know if you're out there and you have those weight where are where did you where are they where are they because they change every every movie oh that's true like there's no chain of custody for these wings there's no there's there's no chain of custody for anything because also where are they alice's

[16:28] not super long but it's like longer yeah it's like a fuck-ass bob and then it gets cut and then it's like long again and then it's got it's a pixie and i'm like [16:35] But their hair's not supposed to grow. That's the thing, and I'm like, when you cut it into a pixie, you're committing to that. Because that's your hair. I love Alice's hair at the wedding. The way she, like, sculpts it onto her face. It's very, like, 20s. Yeah, I really did love that. But Alice in this movie pisses me off.

And she's a creep. She's a creep. Alice does kind of piss me off. Alice is a creep. Because she... [16:57] everything is her way or the highway wedding she plans the whole thing which i realize like the whole thing is supposed to be like well bella doesn't want to and she doesn't like this stuff and i'm like but why is she getting married and having a huge wedding honestly i don't even think she's ever given a chance to no it's true she doesn't even get a chance to say because [17:14] As I've said many times before, she is baby girl.

She is baby girl. She is so baby girl. So baby girl. I got a bone to pick with Bella. She's a selfish motherfucker. She is a selfish motherfucker. Honestly, the poor Cullen family. Yeah. The poor Cullen family. Truly. Their lives have been in danger the entire time she's been around. Yeah. All of them had to up and move because Edward was like, can't do it. Yeah. Sorry. And then they were like, nah, come back. We're in love. Yeah. Oh, she's going to have this baby and maybe die. Yeah. [17:44] And also not only is she going to have this baby and maybe die, it's also going to void the treaty we've had for a zillion years with the werewolves.

Now they're going to try to kill us. And piss off the Volturi. It's going to piss off the Volturi. And now we're going to have to deal with all those. Oh, and also all the other covens are going to have to get involved and all their lives are going to have to be upended by this. And they're going to have to fight the Volturi too. And she doesn't care. And this is all because Bella... [18:11] just had to fuck as a human say it she just had to fuck as a human i have to have that one human experience it's going to cause a lot of problems also can i just say something do it after you're both going to be ungodly beautiful after that thing brother why not and also i bet vampires i just watched tara and franklin fuck on true blood exactly i mean she's not a vampire yet but that looked incredible of course i think if you were a vampire as well oh my god yeah like oh my god [18:41] I know you wanted that human experience, but babe...

[18:44] You kind of gave that up when you decided to marry a vampire. And also Edward didn't really want it. She like guilted him into human talking. That's weird. And if you just waited until after you were a vampire, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant with a half vampire baby. Who tried to kill you. Who tried to kill you. And it wouldn't have avoided all the treaties and pissed off all the Volturi's. So it's like. Crazy girl. [19:06] I feel like this was a problem for everyone. It's very selfish. This is Bella's world and we're all just living in it.

May I venture to say this? [19:15] I think Stephanie Meyer hates Bella. [19:17] I think Stephanie Meyer hates Bella. See, I think Stephanie Meyer thinks Bella is... [19:24] Like... [19:25] Right. [19:27] But I think she hates her. [19:28] do why i just think she hates her because she puts her in all these crazy ass situations and also i think stephanie meyer really loves edward so like edward's always getting upset with bella that's like [19:42] it like can't stay away from her all at the same time but i think she kind of sees a little bit of herself in bella maybe well yeah no i think she does because she's kind of like said that before so i think these crazy situations that we're like what the fuck are you doing she's like no that's great [19:55] oh like i hate it and that like maybe i just hate ella yeah i think maybe maybe maybe i feel like maybe that's what's going on maybe i'm just a hater maybe that's it and to go back really quick just to what you were saying earlier with the how completely sexist and misogynistic this whole thing is when you really dive into this she there's some serious internalized misogyny 100 that just never should have been spat onto the page in my opinion and her [20:25] words her website and breaking put down part one she says that vampire men can have babies uh-huh they can because they have they got them they have a fluid similar to seminal fluid oh yeah their shit works pretty much the same way [20:40] which is wild really fucked up and if the venom slash sperm comes in contact with an ovum they can conceive but that and you say oh wow okay so vampires can conceive oh no no no [20:51] Because, yes, the male vampire shit works right the same, but women...

[20:57] They can't. [20:57] Because when they turn into vampires, they are frozen. That's so fucked up. And their system stops working like a woman's body should work, is literally what is said. That's like essentially what's being said here. Women's bodies, in her words in the book, quote... [21:14] Don't have like vampire women, quote, don't have what is needed to accommodate a growing child. [21:22] So you're telling me [21:24] Men are still pew, pew, pew, can shoot sperm everywhere, every which way. Sperm-like. It's not even sperm. It's sperm-like, and it still creates life.

But it still works. It still creates life. That pisses me off even more. It's not even sperm. It's venomous sperm, and it still creates life. Yeah, fake. But we, when we get turned into vampires, everything just freezes in place. And we become frigid, barren, just we can't accept a baby. And it's like, what the fuck is that? [21:54] Yep. [21:55] That's fucked. It is fucked. That is so fucked. And I also have a problem with... [22:03] Like, just coming off of that with, because obviously Rosalie is a great example of this when she explains that all she ever wanted was a baby and all she ever, and that's why she's also pissed at Bella for wanting to become a vampire, because she's like, hey, bitch, you're not going to be able to do that.

And that's also why she's pissed that Bella did become a vampire, because she was really hoping she would die and that she could keep that baby. Exactly. [22:30] So [22:31] you [22:33] Getting paid twice a month doesn't mean money is scarce. It just feels that way. That feeling makes you do weird stuff, like putting things on a card you didn't need to. Earn-in removes that feeling. With earn-in, you can access up to $150 per day of money you've already earned, plus up to $1,000 between paychecks. Standard transfers take one to two business days with no mandatory fees, and expedited transfers start at $399 and cap at $599.

[23:02] sooner. Download Earning on the App Store or Google Play, spelled like earning money without the G. Type in Morbid under podcast when you sign up. It'll really help the show. [23:12] Earning is a financial technology company, not a bank. Access limits are based on your earnings and risk factors. Standard cash outs take one to two business days with no mandatory fees. Expedited transfer is available for a fee. Tips are voluntary and don't affect the service. Available in select states. Terms and restrictions apply. Visit com for full details. [23:30] Shop the Sherwin-Williams sale and get 30% off select paints and stains June 12th through the 22nd.

Whether you're looking to refresh your interior or exterior, they've got the colors to bring your vision to life. And with delivery, getting everything to your door is easier than ever. Shop online or visit your neighborhood Sherwin-Williams store. Retail sales only. Some exclusions apply. See store for details. Delivery available on qualifying orders. [23:54] Every good detective needs a partner to support them on important cases. Think of a State Farm agent like your sidekick. They're to help you along the way in your search for coverage. State Farm can help you choose the coverage you need, whether it's for your home, car, boat, or even RV.

With so many options, it's nice knowing you have help finding what fits for you, so you can get back to solving all of life's bigger cases. [24:23] Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. [24:31] She made Rosalie the stereotype of an infertile woman, and this is coming from somebody who [24:38] who went through infertility, so I can speak on it. As a previously infertile woman, I fucking hate when they are portrayed as frigid, mean, like type A, over-controlling. Jennifer Garner and Juno. Like her husband's such a cool guy. I'm like, oh my god, he's so cool.

He's a fucking predator, by the way. How does he put up with her? But what a cool guy. And then she's portrayed as this very frigid, uptight, like... [25:06] Well, I can't have a baby. And it's like, no, no. [25:10] no why are we portraying that like why are we and it goes right into this she's fucking mean for no reason to bella she's nasty she's like a frigid bitch yeah and she just comes off as being like well i can't have a baby so i'm mad at everybody and it's like that's literally not reality no [25:27] And then it goes further with this movie and this book, because now all of a sudden...

[25:34] She has a change of heart to Bella because now Bella has become a fucking vessel to her. She doesn't give a shit about Bella. She doesn't. She cares. All she cares about is cool. That baby's going to kill you and claw its way out of you. And then I get to have my baby. Yep. That's also not reality of like an infertile, like somebody going through infertility is like, oh, I'll just look at everybody else like a vessel and I can just watch them die and steal their baby. Like that's what a weird way to portray her.

It's crazy. [26:04] character because she also has a cool like she has a backstory that's really like traumatic and crazy and like she's she gets a badass she gets like stifled down to just to just that uh she gets like shoved into this box is just being like baby obsessed lady who can't have a baby of her own and it's like that's it that's icky because you've made her like she's a strong character and it's like and she really dumbed her down she's such a badass her backstory like you were just [26:34] I think we said it when we went over Eclipse.

They didn't even go that far enough into it. No, I wish they had. Yeah. Yeah. [26:40] But-- [26:41] Going back to the beginning of the movie, because we'll try to hit some of the stuff in the beginning... [26:45] One of the things that I noticed in the movie... [26:49] is in Bella's room when she's like packing up her shit. Why is there just a painting of a dog next to her bed? I wondered that too. And it's not like a wolf dog. I wondered that too. It's like a floofy dog.

Yeah, it's like a bichon. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Just like a sheep dog. I don't think it was there before either. I don't know if it was there. Maybe it was and I just didn't notice it until the room was empty. But I'm like... [27:08] Why? Maybe she has, like, a desire to become one of those ladies that, like, shows those dogs. I'm like, you didn't give me any, like, you never mentioned that she had a dog. Yeah. I don't think she did. But there's just this very distracting... [27:19] big painting of a fluffy dog.

See, I was too upset about the fact that she literally gets into bed wearing jeans and a belt. Oh, I literally have that in all caps right here. Why does she get into bed with jeans on? And also... [27:33] Edward is going to break her house. And at least she acknowledges that. But it's always like, yeah, no, nobody knows that Edward is here. I'm like, Charlie's a cop. Yeah. Charlie is the sheriff. He knows that Edward has attached himself to the house. Yeah. Like, when he jumps on, it's like, like, every time.

And then Emmett and Jasper are like, like, going on the roof knows that you have people over. Like, Charlie's a smart guy. Yeah. Charlie's [28:03] come up but yeah you're right he knows every single time come on what are you doing going to sleep in jeans you freak oh god at least take your belt off just what are you doing what are you doing and then renee the mom getting the wedding invitation oh my god like charlie reacted appropriately of having like a somber moment to himself being like fuck i really fucked up here yeah renee is literally like she's standing in her green screen beach that green screen beach was [28:33] girl it's happening oh my god happy that her 18 year old daughter fresh out of high school after dating this guy for oh 4.5 seconds i don't need how long have they been together they haven't been together that long because she transfers [28:50] I think they're like...

I mean... [28:52] They go to prom, so I think she had to have been like a junior when they first got together. So two years. I don't even know if it's two. I'm looking it up because I don't even know if it's two years. I don't know. [29:03] Well, it can't be because she transferred in the middle of the school year. Yeah. 14 months. [29:10] Jesus. They met in mid-January of 2005 and officially started dating in March of 2005. He left her in September. They were separated for seven months and then they reunited in March 2006 and got married on August 13th, 2006.

Oh, so it's not even. It's like seven months that they've actually been together. Some people count the break, some people don't. If it's 14 months... [29:32] Yeah. And you weren't together for seven of those? That's half of that time. That is half of that time. We are going to count that one as a break. Seven months? I didn't realize it was that long. So technically, they have only physically been together for seven months. [29:49] Let that sink in. Everybody let that. And then I want you to picture Renee on her green screen beach.

Saying it's happening. My girl. And it's like, you're a bad mom. You're a bad mom, Renee. I mean. Renee, you hear me? You're a bad mom. Based on the illustrated guide alone, she's a terrible mother. She's terrible. She let Bella take over the bills when Bella was like 12. Like she's doing the books. No, she, I think it literally says Bella started doing the books because Renee couldn't. Yeah. [30:19] like hello that's gnarly it's so funny because she's so parentified that's why she's so baby girl because in the book she was so she was a parentified child and then she met edward and she said fuck that she said he's a thousand i have to be the kid let's go i don't know how to do this yeah like damn yeah then we go to the wedding which oh my god i love her dress i will say the back of her dress is stunning one thing i do have to say though in the beginning she's [30:49] her dress covers them she could have worn fuzzy slippers if she wanted to you can't see the heels yeah [30:56] But also, as she walks down the aisle, I said, babe, people are taking pictures of you if we're considering this a real wedding.

She looks like a deer in headlights. So horrified to be marrying this man. And I love it because when they go out, like, she's like, just don't let me fall. And I love when Charlie says, like, never or whatever he says. It's really sweet. I just love Charlie. Cute kid and dad moment. This is just going to be me loving Charlie. It's the only good thing about this. [31:26] broadly and be like i've already let you fall already did you know what i already did babe so here we are he got involved in our life too late i think he sure did like like more involved too late and there's a part where like when she's trying on the shoes too with alice oh yeah when she walks away in the movie she does this one little skip [31:45] and then like hops up and dev dev was the one who noticed it and i had never noticed it before and i was like why did she do that why did she do that just like just to skip and then she's just off i don't know it's very strange and then we do get like um when she's packing up her shit we get edward doing a flashback to like why he's still trying to convince her not to become a vampire because edward still wants her to die of old age so he can go get it with someone else apparently [32:15] wanting to change the person he's in love with.

It's a really annoying trope too, because it happens in like every vampire movie or TV show. And it's like, it's very unromantic to me. It is. If you really loved me, you would not want to live without me. [32:29] And you wouldn't want me to die someday. And if you think I'm so beautiful, why not freeze me in this gorgeous state? Yeah. Hello? You just shouldn't ever want to be without me. No. So why... [32:38] You're just going to wait me out? Also, how about my own autonomy? I'd like you to change me.

Do it. So I think it's dumb. But he's in there being like, let me tell you about when I turned into it. I'd be like, I literally don't care. He also tells her his whole backstory. Like he's a monster. [32:53] I said, first of all, you were hella hot back then. Makes him even better. First of all, sick haircut. I love it. Edward in the 20s slash 30s. Woo! [33:00] A plus. A plus. A plus. Honestly, men's looks in the 20s. Yeah. A plus. Personality's probably not great. Yeah. Uh, [33:09] But he tells her all about his backstory and how, like, he basically murdered monsters.

Like, he was going very Dexter. Exactly. And he says that, like, is that who you want to be with? I'd be like, yeah. Yes. Yeah, I do. Like, that would make me want to marry him more. Yeah. She also says, he's like, what does he say? He says, like, what do you want to see when you look in the mirror, Bella? And she's like, you. You. [33:32] I said, what? I said, this romance is more fucked up than I thought. That's weird. You're not becoming one. She actually said, I want to wear your skin in a weird way.

I'd like to wear your face. But yeah, that was weird. But I liked the flashback because he looked really good in that flashback. He saves the lady. He does. A lady in a great outfit. It's true because it was like the 20s, 30s. Yep. And at the reception, we meet like those blonde vampires from Alaska, I think it is. [34:02] set Edward up with Arena, right? Well, and Arena apparently was with Laurent. Yeah. And then obviously... [34:11] The wolves ripped him apart because he was going to kill Bella. Yeah. [34:15] You know, it happens.

But she doesn't believe that. And at first, here's the thing. At first, when I saw this scene, I was like... [34:22] I'd be pissed. I'd be like, get the fuck out of my wedding. Cause she's like, I don't believe that. Like, and she has, [34:27] the way this this actress plays it yeah i know there's not a lot to work with here but like you got to do what you got to do it's like very dramatic but like the face she's making makes me laugh every time because she's so intense it's like when kim k cries yeah it's pretty gnarly and she's like and you know they're like

[34:44] you know laurent was gonna kill bella like there was really nothing she's like i don't believe that i'd be like and then get the fuck out of my wedding like why are you gonna support me [34:53] But then... [34:55] I'm like, well, Breaking Dawn Part 2 is actually going to bring, like... [34:59] a pretty big headache. [35:00] to all of these covens because Bella just had to fuck as a human. So now I'm kind of like, oh, kind of on Irina's side here. Because she's even like, [35:12] She's bringing a lot of problems.

Well, that's a thing. All the vampires are looking around like... [35:16] You're really gonna, like, throw it all away for this bitch? And it's also, like, just turn her... [35:21] Yeah, just fucking go. Turner, baby. Ask the Volturi. The Volturi wants you to do it. She's got the fucking shield. [35:28] Like do it. [35:29] Yeah. What the fuck? This could all be fixed. It could be. [35:32] But then Jessica's speech. Jessica's speech. I'm still thinking about it. I will cringe until the end of the earth. Or the hair, as I call him.

Or the hair, as everybody calls him. I was like... [35:45] She said as I call him. Just Jessica. That's her pet name for Bella's husband. And when they flashed Edward, his wedding hair is shit. It's awful. Complete shit. I'd actually be so angry at John if during our wedding he had the worst hair of his life. It's very floppy. Well, and he did nothing with it. No, no gel. Like, it's just nothing. No slick. No nothing. There's nothing happening. No. He might not have even washed it. I don't think he did.

That might have been on Robert Pattinson, though, because he did admit that he went six months without washing his hair once. Which is... [36:12] He also has admitted in interviews that he had a strange body odor that smelled similar to crayon wax, which I don't know if I know what that smells like. But then, wasn't it like wet crayons? I think I might have been wrong about that. Oh, okay. Just crayon wax. They were dry. But then Kristen Stewart said, I think he's overplaying that. Like, no, he smells fine. He smells really animalistic.

He's got like an animalistic musk. And I said, my dog pretty much never smells good. [36:42] So, I'm not sure. I don't know. If that's, like, a defense or not. I don't know if I've ever thought of John having an animalistic musk to him. But it is rumored that people on set, like, the crew was like, why are you so stanky, Rob? Why are you so stanky? I love that he's just like, I don't know. Maybe it was, because him and Kristen were in that, like... [37:03] Like, early 2000s indie grunge era.

Oh, yeah, it was, like, a little grungy. Yeah. So maybe... [37:10] he really hadn't done it maybe that was it because it didn't seem like it and just her being like and like could have been me didn't notice me i was like who does that at a wedding like that's not i know once again as stephanie meyer would say it's fantasy you believe that i'm like but this is supposed to be the real part of it i know they actually did get married like i'm like you nobody would do that no [37:30] Like, no, you can make her have a weird speech without being...

That was just so off the rails. Well, people get weird speeches all the time, but to be like... No one would say that. She wasn't even president of the Glee Club or the school council. Yeah, like me. Like, basically, like, you could have had me. Yeah. Like, no one's doing that. I don't know. I was like, damn. And then Renee's. Renee singing. Renee singing. [37:49] with her bat shit crazy hair go to sleep and you wake up and bella loves it she's like that's my mom she's just sitting there like that's my mom and i'm like damn that's you know why she likes it because she only sees renee a few times a year yeah she's like wow there's another story to tuck in my back pocket so see you in six years mom glad i don't have to do your books anymore you crazy bitch crazy bitch go back to your fucking green screen beach wherever that is where's phil

[38:19] That was gnarly. Oh, my God. And then... [38:21] uh what's the name edward is like i have another gift for you it's here yeah and you're like oh my god yay like gift edward gives bella jacob as a wedding gift and that just feels weird to me that just feels weird to me he even lets him have a moment alone oh a very inappropriate moment alone as far as i'm concerned there are canoodling they're in the moss as you said much canoodling i said why are you dancing with another man in the moss at your wedding [38:51] stand by that question.

She, like, leaves the wedding. Yeah. [38:55] She stands in the moss. [38:57] In the forest. As he, like, lifts her and twirls her. Oh, yeah, and she, like, has her head on his shoulder. They're canoodling. They are canoodling in the woods on her very wedding day. It's, like... [39:08] The way the fact that Edward's just like and he's so happy, he's like. [39:12] I gave you this man. [39:13] I know you love this werewolf so much. He's kind of a cuck. He is a little bit. Do you want a chair to sit down in?

[39:22] Would you like to sit amongst the mocks? Can I get you anything? An ottoman for the fellow? [39:29] Would you like to put your feet up? What the fuck is going on here? The wedding party's like, hello? They're like, what's going on? This wedding's getting weird. We're gonna leave. Like, in the last few movies and books, Jacob has been so disrespectful of their relationship. Bella has been so disrespectful of their relationship. He has outwardly admitted [39:52] Edward, if he could, just to snake his gal. Yep. He says, and he's like, you're not good enough for her.

I'm obsessed with her. I want to fuck her. I want to marry her. We're supposed to be together. Like he said this several times. I'm hotter than you, he said. And now you're just presenting him as a gift at your wedding? It's really weird. On what planet, Stephanie? Cuck planet. Like on what and in the book, Jacob is so fucking unlikable in this book. Did he just say in the book that he [40:22] or like doesn't propose it it's implied okay i think edward is the one that kind of [40:27] Oh my god.

Did we just unlock a theme in this book? I'm not positive. I need to look it up now. Which one? Oh, yeah, it was at the end of Eclipse. He tells her he's willing to accept... [40:38] Whatever relationship she feels she needs to have with Jacob. [40:42] Oh, so he's kind of being like, we can be open for Jacob. [40:46] Like... [40:47] that [40:47] If you feel like you want to be with him as well, as like I will... [40:52] Understand. [40:54] Which is essentially him suggesting, or not suggesting, but being open to the idea of, like...

[40:59] whatever you want yeah like an arrangement yeah okay those happen which i don't think he wants that which is even sadder he's just like i just love you so much that i'll accept it i'll give you what you want essentially and it's like bella [41:11] Gosh. Wow. But yeah, it's an in the book. [41:15] Jacob, especially Breaking Dawn, he's so unlikable. His chapters are... [41:20] borderline unreadable for me. They're also insanely named. They are, and I have a couple of them. But... [41:26] In the book, in this part, is when, like, they start talking about the honeymoon.

And he's, like, you know, like, basically saying you can't have a real honeymoon because you can't fuck. And she's, like, well, it's going to be real as anyone else is. Basically, I'm, like, we will be boning. And she's, like, so... Weird combo to have with your guy friend. In the book... [41:42] He gets so he gets mad in the movie. He gets so mad in the book that he grabs her. [41:48] like grabs her shoulders hard enough that she's in pain. Oh my God. And she literally is like, Oh, that hurts in the book.

Like yelling. It hurts. Um, [41:59] And Edward has to come over and like literally be like, I'm going to fucking kill you if you don't let her go. And like Seth has to be like, let her go. You're hurting her. It's her wedding. Like he literally is abusing her because he's mad that she's going to fuck Edward. Her husband. On her honeymoon. Okay. Okay. [42:16] Make that make sense. [42:17] Like... [42:19] I need to know. [42:22] What happened here? Like where no one along the line said, this is weird. [42:29] I guess not.

Or did they? And you just said, don't worry about it. You have to think that by this point, like when Breaking Dawn was out, it was well established that this is YA. Like, yeah. [42:40] that's really fucked up yeah it's a nasty relation like for him to grab her like that because he's mad she's going to have sex with her husband and i realize that's not it like that's not the end of it it's like that he's mad because he's like you're gonna die yeah like he'll kill but a part of his anger a part of it but that does not justify hurting her no and a part of it is he's mad that yeah he's jealous she's gonna have sex he's jealous and he's upset that that could happen to her but it's like that does not justify grabbing her like that no nothing does like what

[43:10] It's wild. [43:12] Edward's not telling Bella where they're going on their honeymoon. Thank you. And like her family is aware of this. Like fucking Renee is like, oh, my God, where do you think you're going? So fun that he's taking you somewhere where he's told no one. Where the fuck are you going? Yeah. My family would say, hey, you're not going. Yeah. Until we have your itinerary, you're not going. That's an episode of Dateline. [43:33] I'm like, that's an episode of Dateline. Like, I could never. No. I could never.

No. My family would say, I think not. Yeah. Like, we just don't know where you're going. That's insane. Oh, I thought that was thunder. I was like, what? Sorry, I got so excited. The trash bins were rolling. And I said, is it thunder? Talking about Twilight and in the thunderstorm would be just chef's kiss. But it was just trash. But it was just, I mean, it was just garbage. Well, that's also fitting. Also, this whole thing. [44:02] Like this whole scene... [44:04] I'm like, wow. Because from what I've seen on the website, like Stephanie's website, she actually says before this even gets like moved into movie form, she said this should be two movies.

She was the one who said that. Oh, really? Because she said she, it's a long book. It's a big book. But she, but like, to be fair, not a lot happens in part one, as far as I'm concerned. Do you know, had, I mean, part one of the movie is like nothing. Yeah. [44:34] split into two movies yet? [44:36] I don't know. Let me look, because I wonder if that was part of the reasoning. Well, I think she just... I mean, if you're going to split it in two movies, you're getting more money out of it.

That's... I think it's just all based... You think it's that? To me, that... She references the Harry Potter books on her website, so that's the only reason that I wondered. Yeah. [44:52] Because... [44:53] Turn like turning that into two movies is. [44:57] Like this part in particular, we watch them get in the car. We watch them get to the airport. We watch them get in a taxi. We watch them randomly walk through the streets of Brazil for a minute. We watch them get in a boat. We watch them arrive at the island.

We watch them walk in the door. [45:18] By the time you get there, you're like, I didn't need to see all your traveling. No. No. [45:23] I did not. Halfway through that, I was like, can we just get there? Yeah. I don't need to see the traveling. Yeah, no, I fully agree. But they had to, because they had time to eat up. That's the thing. And there's not a whole lot of other stuff. There's things. Until you get to, well, because like Renesmee has to be born, and the Volturi has to get upset, and then you have to end it there.

And that's it. Because it's like where it splits. Yeah. [45:46] Yeah. So it's like, I don't think it needed to be. [45:50] I don't think so either. It could have just been a long movie. It could have been. Yeah, exactly. Because I think the honeymoon is. [45:57] It's a long... It's half of the movie. It's a long honeymoon. We watch them playing chess for more of the movie than we don't. Yeah. [46:03] Yeah, it's a lot. [46:15] This episode is brought to you by Ashley. Your home should show off who you are.

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Find the right food at com slash podcast. That's com slash podcast. [51:11] Now... [51:12] Just to go back the way that like another thing, cause like we're going to get into now, like the honeymoon, you know, honeymoon and baby and all that. Immortal children. [51:22] The way Stephanie explains them in the Illustrated Guide. And has Carlisle explained them? [51:28] in the book is that [51:30] Immortal children are like outlawed because they can't keep the secret like the vampire. Because they're just like their kids. Yeah. They stay as kids. So they just don't have the ability to keep secrets.

And like that, they were so beautiful and enchanting and endearing. [51:46] that like whole covens would like just, you know, they would do anything to protect them. So the Volturi was like, this is a problem. It's too dangerous. Because we're having to eliminate entire covens just to get rid of these immortal children because they'll just protect them. And it's like, but the way they explain it, it's like, not because like they felt like, [52:05] this need to protect these children. Because they're babies. Because they're children. And like, they need to be protected.

Yeah. It was that they were so beautiful. That's weird. And I'm like, why do we have to? And I say this because... [52:17] There's a lot of weird shit that ends up with kids. That ends up with kids in this that I'm like, I don't understand why this had to be part of it. I just don't. It's icky. Like, it just doesn't make sense. Like, can we not? Well, like, even going back to, and we'll touch on it in this part, too, but even last time when we were talking about, is it Quill who imprints on a two-year-old?

Yeah, a two-year-old. Yeah, like, that's the weird icky shit. And it gets weirder in this one. Well, and she's not the only infant who's been imprinted on now. No.